Chapter 35

Jae leaned back in her chair as the rushes finished playing. The room was silent as the various members of the cast and crew digested the impact of the footage they had just viewed.

"Wow." Erich spoke up, starting a wave of comments that filled the small viewing room.

"Incredible, Jae. I don't think I've ever seen anything that erotic between two characters, never mind between two women." Bill was shaking his head in admiration.

The air in the room was charged with excitement and Jae let the emotion lift her up from her inner turmoil.

"And just think, we haven't even filmed the sex scene yet." One of the production assistants, Wendy, added a low whistle to her comment before leaving the room.

There was another round of well dones and a few more respectful whistles as the room began to empty. Jae reached over and rewound the tape to watch the rough edit again. Behind her she could sense that Reed hadn't left the room. The actress was seated unobtrusively in the corner, silently watching the various angles and takes flash across the screen.

The director returned her attention to the film, leaving her concern for the actress to deal with later. She froze the tape, then turned to her editor. "Bill, show me the wide angle starting at 1453."

"Cued." The film editor had rewound the tape to the index point requested.

"Roll it." Jae watched the scene unfold from a slightly different angle and distance than the one frozen on the left side monitor. "I want you to do a cut overlaying these two shots." She consulted her notepad. "Roll tape A back to index counter 1076. Start with 50 percent opacity. Then cut in this one." She pointed to a shot of Sarah running her hands over Reed's strong back.

The director wanted to see what the footage looked like when shown together, both angles and perspectives overlaid.

Normally the first edits of a scene were left to the film editor. As director she would make her cut from his preliminary one. But this scene was special, and they needed to know what they had and what they needed before they shot the rest of it.

Brow furrowed in concentration, she sank into the scene, critically judging the performances of the two actresses. Images of Reed and Sarah reflected from the monitors and cast odd shadows over the equipment and the editing team. Tape was different than live action. Colours were subtly altered and shadows appeared where previously there were none.

Primarily she wanted to avoid prematurely resetting the lights. That took a lot of time and was expensive, so if they needed more footage, Jae wanted to get it before altering the set-up.

"When we get the full view shots, I want to do the same thing with some of those shots." The other key was being erotic without being pornographic - how to make the audience part of the scene without making them feel like voyeurs. So they had decided to film a sex-less sex scene. To let the audience imagine what was being done, concentrating instead on creating a feeling. The audience would never know that what they were watching was in fact a prolonged massage.

"That might work even better. Cut these into the full length angles and the blending images will help with the illusion of motion."

Holly was smiling, "oh I don't think you left much doubt."

Jae laughed, "yeah, everyone will know what they're doing - they just won't know 'what' they're doing."

In a reversal of normal cinematic trend, she would make any of the more explicit scenes almost casual and remove the novelty factor. That really was the lynchpin of the movie. She wasn't going to make a lesbian film; she was going to film a story that just happened to have lesbian characters.

To that end, the visual relationship between Dar and Kerry was important. Even more important, though, was giving the audience someone to hate more than they hated the idea of a female-female love story. If they could get a tenth as much chemistry between the actor playing Kyle and Sarah as she was seeing between her leads, it would work.

The tape finished rolling for the second time and Jae jotted down a couple of more notes, then stood. "Looks like we'll have enough."

"Jae you shot three cans on this. You have every conceivable angle and shot length. More importantly you got them to perform. Relax."

"It's good Jae." Reed added her comment to Erich's, then left the room.

She'd forgotten the actress was still in the room and a small smile played on her lips. Reed had come back after the break without any signs of the turmoil Jae had seen earlier in the intense blue eyes.

"Well, well. That may be your biggest accomplishment," Erich said.

"What do you mean?" She leaned casually against the desk top, trying not to show too much interest.

The director of photography waved a hand back at the door in the direction the actress had gone. "That's not the same actress who filmed 'Equilibrium.' The actress I remember would never have kissed a stuffed animal - or praised a rush."

"You worked with her?" She was curious.

He nodded. "In fact, she never watched a rush. It was like she just knew when she was on. Pretty intense woman." Erich got out of his chair and made for the door. "I'll see you after the photo shoot tomorrow."

Alone for the first time all afternoon, Jae mulled over her colleague's words. It was interesting to get another person's impressions of Reed. She laughed. Intense was a good word for the actress.

It had been nice to see a glimpse of the playful side of her friend, though she recognized that Reed had been performing. Was that kiss a performance? For a brief moment she had felt connected to the other woman in a way she had never imagined possible.

You're treading a thin line there, m'grrl, a very thin line indeed. You'd best be telling her and soon.

She turned the lights out and made her way back to her office. "I don't know how to tell her," Jae admitted out loud to herself.

"Tell who what? Or do I need to ask?" Caitlynn was exiting the office, large neatly packed box in hand.

Guessing where her assistant was headed, Jae opened Roan's door and stood aside. "Reed."

"Ah." The box was put on the desk and Cait turned to face her. "Look, I don't much care for her, that's no secret. But then, I'll concede that I don't even know her. What I do see though, is that someone has finally managed to get inside those 'hands off the heart' walls of yours."

"We are just friends." She felt compelled to make that assertion.

"You want more."

"Is it that obvious?"

"To someone who's worked with you nearly every day in the past five years? To someone who has been friends with you almost that long? Yeah Babe, it's that obvious."

"I don't know what's going on anymore. Everything just seems..." She faltered, searching for the right words.

"Easy when you're together, even the not so easy stuff," Cait supplied.

"Is it like that with you and Thom?" She liked Thom and had been surprised when the easy-going entertainment editor for the Los Angeles Times had seemed to click instantly with her driven assistant, but had never really talked to Cait about it.

"Yeah. It is." Cait had a tiny smile on her lips, eyes alight in quiet joy. "This sounds so corny now, but he balances me, you know?"

"I didn't, but I'm beginning to."

They sat quietly together on the floor, leaning against the big black leather couch in Roan's office, shoulders touching.

"So you going to tell her?"

"That I have feelings for her? No. I don't think either one of us is ready to cover that particular territory."

"You definitely need to tell her you're gay, though. I'm sort of surprised she hasn't already heard."

"I know. I just can't figure out how. Did you tell Thom?"

"That you're gay?"

A deep belly laugh burst from deep inside and Jae let the clean feeling wash over her, taking some of the tension away. "No," she gasped. "That you're bisexual."

"Oh that. Yes I told him."

"What'd he say?"

"He just looked over at me and said, 'talk about performance anxiety,' smiled and that was that."

"Keeper."

"Definitely." Cait drew her knees up to her chin, then wrapped her arms around them. "If I were you, I'd find out why she's homophobic, then take it from there."

Surprised, she arched a brow and regarded her friend thoughtfully for a few seconds. "Why?"

"Because something isn't adding up. That kiss she gave you today, that doesn't match the vehemence in her voice when she talks about gays. You need to find out if it's garden variety, 'never knew a real life dyke' homophobia, or if it's something deeper - emotional versus intellectual."

"You think she was abused?"

"I think that your friend has some deep cuts, some of which haven't healed over."

"Deep." She hadn't thought of that. Cait saw things that most people would rather she not see. Sometimes things I'd rather she not see, Jae thought, ruefully.

"Yeah, but cheaper than a therapist. Listen, I have to go meet Thom for dinner. Want to join us?"

"Thanks, but I have to meet Mare and Alix, drive them to rehearsal. Raincheck?"

"No problem. Good luck."

"Thanks Cait. Give Thom a kiss for me, will you?" She gave her friend a quick kiss and left the office. Through the window she could see the Range Rover still parked in its slot. Ducking her head into her office, Jae took a quick look at the clock and decided she still had a half hour or so before she had to leave.

The trailer was unoccupied, so she wandered back across the manicured grounds to the studio. It was quiet and dark, but Jae knew exactly where she'd find her friend. A new set had been constructed since the afternoon, and she walked through the dining room at Kerry's house in Michigan, amused to find the next moment she was standing in Dar's office at SBS. A few more steps and she spotted the familiar raven crown of hair peeking over the top of the black leather couch in Dar's living room.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jae climbed over the back and slid down next to Reed, putting her own feet up on the coffee table next to the actress'.

"Sure."

"Are you Catholic?"

Reed startled her by laughing, a short sharp sound that was without any real humour. The sharp angularity of her high cheekbones was highlighted in the glare of the studio lights, unmitigated by humour or warmth. "No. I'm not Catholic. Why?"

"Theory. I don't know really. I was just trying to figure you out."

"You were, were you? And you decided that being Catholic might fight the theory?"

Jae couldn't tell if Reed was yanking her chain or if she was upset. Suddenly Cait's suggestion didn't seem like such a good idea. "You're just such a bundle of contradictions."

Amused blue eyes looked at her questioningly and Jae took it as permission to continue. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were a total hedonist. Or a repressed one anyway."

"A repressed hedonist? I think that's an oxymoron."

"Well I did say I thought you were a bundle of contradictions. Like how you feel about homosexuals, and yet you filmed those scenes today no problem, once you got past that kissing thing."

"Wasn't me."

"Hunh?"

"It was my body. How I feel is different. It's just a tool, a weapon in the arsenal."

She hadn't considered that. That Reed had no trouble with nudity because she didn't look at her body the same way that most people did. "So why all the trouble with the kiss?"

"Would you believe it's been so long since I kissed someone that I forgot how?" Reed paused and looked up at the rafters. "And I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it. Not with a man, and especially not with a woman," she finished quietly.

"You were afraid to fail." More pieces of the puzzle clicked into place. A lot of the little rumours she'd heard about Reed suddenly made sense. She wasn't made of ice or aloof - she was a perfectionist - and demanded the same from those around her.

"My turn."

"Hunh?"

"That's still the deal right? One piece of information from me, one from you?" Reed was watching her, note of challenge in her tone.

"Okay. Fair is fair." Maybe that would solve the problem. Reed would just ask.

"What are you running from?"

"Nothing."

"Right. C'mon Jae, who's idea of who you should be are you fighting and rebeling against so hard?"

"You don't pull punches, do you?"

"No."

"What makes you think I'm rebeling against anything."

"Oh, I dunno. Let's see. You play guitar in a rock band, drive a motorcycle, and have tattoos. You also own a Saturn, never leave your seatbelt off, and dress beyond conservatively. Talk about bundles of contradictions. So whose construct are you fighting?"

"Mine, I think." She recognized the truth in her words as soon as she said them, and grinned wryly. "I think I've always pretended it was my Mother."

The admission hung in the air between them awhile as they both thought about it. Then Reed reached over and took her hand in silent communion. Jae let herself fall against the strong shoulder of the actress, not relinquishing Reed's fingers. You can't keep this up. Tell her. Then sat up and disengaged.

"Reed, there's something I need to tell you."

"Go on." The blue eyes were hooded, the openness gone.

Jae swallowed, trying to find the words. "Everyone always wanted me to be something, even my father - even if it was just me he wanted me to be. My family, my friends - everyone. Except you. You're the first person who just accepted me."

"Works both ways Jae. You still don't see the Ice Queen, do you." It wasn't a question.

"No. I don't." Her cell rang.

"Aren't you going to get that?"

"No. Yes. Hold on." Jae dug the cell out of her pocket. "Cavanaugh...No I didn't forget...I'm on my way, I promise." Internally she threw a flurry of jabs at a mental punching bag. There wasn't enough time to deal with this right now, and dropping an 'I'm gay' on Reed wouldn't be fair. The cell snapped shut with an audible click that seemed to echo in the large soundstage. "I have to go. Rehearsal for Saturday," she explained.

"Sure. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll have a caramel Misto." Reed made no move to get up from the prop couch, her voice slightly subdued.

"Shot or syrup?"

"Both. You can never have too much caramel."

"You just going to sit here?"

"For a bit. You have fun."

"Okay," Jae agreed. Something had shifted in the mood, though she couldn't quite put her finger on it. "Tomorrow then." Uneasily she left the set, her mind still with the actress.

*****

Reed listened to the director's footsteps echo through the stage. Of all the questions, she had to ask that one. For a second she'd been afraid that she had talked in her sleep or something. Jae tended not to miss much, and it would be entirely in keeping with her past behaviour to just come out and ask.

Moodily, she continued to stare up into the rafters. What would my mother have thought of my life? She'd have told me if I didn't like it, to change it. Tears she rarely allowed herself the luxury of shedding leaked from the corners of her eyes. No Jae, I am most certainly not Catholic.

She's going to ask, you know. What then?

Heidi knew better than to ask for details. No, Heidi is afraid to ask, afraid that if she asks too many questions that I'll leave and take Rio with me. Was that fair after all this time? No. How much would come out anyway over the next few days? Tomorrow, after the photo shoot, they'd give the interview, first to 'Up Close', then she would listen while Heidi gave a matching one to Thom Dixon from the LA Times. Rio was the only secret she wanted to protect. Everything else was a matter of public record if you knew where to look.

At the thought of her son, a smile shone through the tears. The film was proving easier to make than she had thought. The filming was on schedule and it looked like she'd make it back to Maine well before the surgery.

In fact, she had to admit, she was enjoying filming this movie in a way that she hadn't enjoyed acting in years. The challenge of presenting Jae's vision of Holly's characters had taken an unexpected hold over her, and she found herself rising to meet the role, giving more than a token performance. Watching the rushes this afternoon, she'd caught a glimpse of something outside of her expectations, and she wanted very much to give Jae everything the director needed to translate thought into image.

It was even getting harder to hold on to her prejudices. Holly had busted some of them wide open, and she was prepared to concede that not every homosexual on the planet was a predator. Though she was glad she'd had to kiss Pooh and not the screenwriter. Just remember to behave yourself on Saturday.

"Ms. Lewis?"

A studio security guard had come around the side of the set and was facing her quizzically.

"I was just leaving." Taking the script from where she'd left it on the side of the coffee table, she moved out of the set toward the exit.

"Night, Ms. Lewis."

She grunted an acknowledgement and headed for her car, calling it a night.

*****

Sleep wouldn't come, and Reed sat up in frustration. Her mind wouldn't shut down, wouldn't clear the images of the day's shooting or tomorrow's fears. She padded quietly through the dark house, clad only in a loose shirt to ward off the chill of the night air.

It seemed that whether or not she wanted to think about what was happening she had too. So what is happening?

Her normally fractious inner voice remained strangely silent on the question. Answer enough in its own way, she supposed. The balcony door slid open and she stepped out into the night, letting the velvet cloak of darkness wrap around her. Inhaling a deep lung full of the fresh-smelling desert air, she dropped into the lounge chair and drew the blanket up over her body.

I could keep blaming it on the role. Reed sighed. She had never been one to lie to herself, and she wasn't about to start now. I'm not gay, she mentally asserted.

Of course not. Everyone masturbates after their best friend falls asleep on them. Reed wished the voice had stayed silent. Angry, she flung the blanket away and stood. Wasn't like that.

Wasn't it? And that kiss? Own it, Reed. You are as perverted as he was.

No! He was a predator. A man who preyed on children who didn't have any other place to run.

So why didn't you tell them what you saw? She had no answer for that. Deflated, she dropped back into the chair and huddled up with the blanket.

Why the fuck is this happening? I can't be like that. I don't want to be like that.

It's not that easy.

No, it never is, is it? Why should life start handing you easy stuff now?

I'm just projecting. That's it - nothing more, nothing less. I'm taking a role and ascribing a character's motives onto my behaviour. That's it. In spite of what she intellectually wanted to believe, there was no escaping the emotional - no escaping her craving for the other woman's touch, for her gentle presence.

But did that make her gay?

No. Jae was simply the first person in a long time to break through the reserve and remind her just how isolated she'd kept herself.

Laughing green eyes brought a smile to her face as the director came to mind. That was something then. It would go away with the end of filming and Jae would never be the wiser. Never suspect the line she had mentally crossed. It was about choices, right? Right.
 
 
 

Chapter 36

The door refused to open, and she pounded again, willing the handle to turn in her hand. She threw her weight against the hot wood, and still it held, refusing to let her in. The long corridor shifted and lightened - the darkened walls of home becoming the bright ones of a cage in a bizarre irony only possible in dreams. The familiar cream walls of home had changed, institutional pink adding to the fear. Her heart raced as panic coalesced into terror. Don't open...don't open...the handle slowly turned and she watched, helpless, as it slowly swung inward. No....

It had to have been the interview yesterday. Dredging up the memories of her adolescence - if only to make sure that they stayed buried - had left them too close to the surface. She could tell that Jae had wanted to ask questions. The shocked pain in the mist green eyes as Heidi's disembodied voice had come through the speaker phone still lingered in her mind's eye.

Orphan. Such a simple word. Two syllables. And a life that had never been the same.

Jae had reached into the space between them, taken her hand in silent support and the interview had moved on, the details remaining untold memories that haunted her dreams. Maybe I should have taken Jae up on dinner last night. Her nightmares were usually less intense if she'd been around the director. In Florida they'd all but disappeared. The younger woman had the ability to cut through whatever bad mood or funk she was in. And the wine with dinner wouldn't have hurt, either.

Instead she'd come home, and spent some time with Rio. Languishing in bed, Reed replayed the phone call of the night before.

"Hey kiddo."

"Mummy. Can I have you first tonight? Please?"

"All yours."

"Cool."

"What do you want to do?"

"Can you tell me a story?"

"A story, hunh? Okay. Are you ready for bed?"

"No. But I can do that while you talk. I promise."

"Hey you..."

"What?" He giggled, recognizing what was coming.

"Who loves you?"

"Mummy does."

"And don't you forget it. Now get your jammies on. I'll wait. I promise."

"Kay." The phone clattered onto the desk and the sounds of a small boy rushing around filled her ear. A drawer slammed shut, and springs groaned slightly as he hurtled onto the bed, then grabbed the phone. "I'm back."

"Forgot something."

"Aw Mum. Do I have to?"

"Yes. G'wan. Wash your hands too. But I'll tell you what, you pretend I'm sitting there with you, and I'll tell you about the movie while you brush."

"Deal."

Water ran in the sink and she listened to the wet squishy sounds of her son brushing his teeth. "Hey."

"Whaa?"

"You still got all your teeth? Haven't knocked any out since last time?"

"Ywesh. Aw wwhere," he mumbled around the brush.

"Cool. They stuck me on a surfboard and took pictures of me trying no to fall off of it."

A boyish giggle echoed in the bathroom as her son pictured the image. They'd gone to the cape the summer before, and she had paddled them out into the waves, promptly dumping them into the cold Atlantic. He'd decided Geoff was a safer bet and she'd been relegated to beach patrol.

She pulled the phone away from her ear slightly in anticipation. Rio was almost done and that meant Spit Wars. Curiously, she heard nothing.

"All done," he announced.

"Right. So what kind of story?"

The bathroom was only about twenty feet from his room at Heidi's, but she could hear him wander down the stairs, through the kitchen, poke his head in the pantry before climbing the back set. It was almost like being there, a slice of normalcy tucked into her surreal day.

Critically, she studied her reflection in the mirror, and reached for the small bag of cosmetics on the corner of the vanity. Normally the studio took care of dark circles. This morning, evidence of a bad night's sleep was her responsibility. Skillfully, she applied the cover up, a hint of mascara, then pursed her lips and swiped lipstick across them, adding a splash of colour. Not bad, not bad at all.

No sooner had she finished than she heard the purr of a car engine filter through the open bathroom window. "Morning," she called out, opening the front door. Jae was just getting out of the Saturn, blonde hair crowned by the sun.

"Sorry I'm late. Slight change in plan." The director pointed back at the car.

Coming down the steps, Reed could see two heads poking out from behind the front seats. "C'mon in. I've got coffee on."

"My hero."

"Thought they were going to meet us there?"

"Danielle dropped them off early this morning. I've been chasing them around since six."

"That's your first mistake. You don't chase kids around on Saturday morning. You turn them over to the Breakfast Zone. Let the Mystic Knights and Rugrats take care of 'em for a while."

Jae laughed. "Still up for breakfast? Though I think Denny's may be more our speed than Spiegal's."

"Mistake number two. If you have to feed hyper kids in a restaurant on Saturday morning, pick McDonald's."

Two hours later, they had parked the car and were winding their way through the ranch style property that was home to this year's Pediatric AIDS benefit. Jae watched, fascinated, as her niece and nephew walked along holding Reed's hands.

Breakfast had proven to be fun, and she smiled at the memory. Reed had made her stop at a store before hitting the Hollywood Mickie D's. The actress had scored big points when she'd produced a can of whip cream to top the hot cakes with - and not just with the twins either. Rio is one very lucky little kid.

A carnival atmosphere ruled the open lawns as stars mixed with children from the various LA area hospitals. Clowns and mimes wandered the green grass, balloon animals and smiles trailing them.

"Jacqueline, honestly. Look at how you're dressed, and you're late."

"Grandma!" The twins let go of Reed's hands and latched onto their grandmother.

An amused Reed lifted a questioning brow and Jae shrugged back. "Morning, Mother."

A low drawl tickled her ear. "I dunno Jacqueline. You look fine to me." Blue eyes twinkled humorously.

For the first time, those three syllables elicited a tingle rather than a suppressed groan of dismay. "Thanks. You clean up pretty good yourself." Now that's an understatement. She'd nearly stumbled getting out of the car as she'd caught sight of the actress earlier. The addition of the brown Stetson had only made the actress more breathtaking. "Funny, how a name can sound so different when someone else says it." It was out before she realized that she'd spoken aloud.

"Yeah, my name never sounded quite the same when my mother said it either." The sadness that had pervaded the room yesterday during the interview and Heidi's revelation that Reed was an orphan was gone from the actress' voice, but Jae squeezed her hand anyway. Once again she resisted the desire to ask what had happened to Reed's parents. Heidi hadn't said, Reed hadn't been allowed to during the interview and this was definitely not the time or place.

"Did you remember to feed them breakfast?"

Before she could respond, Reed cut in, "I don't believe we've met. I'm Reed Lewis." A fine hand was held delicately for her mother to take, and Jae stifled a laugh. Trust an actress to out-manner a manner queen.

"Elizabeth Cavanaugh."

Jae watched incredulously as Reed steered her mother and the twins toward a booth, then looked back at her and winked.

This time she didn't stop the laugh and just let it bubble up.

"What's so funny?" a familiar voice asked.

Becky walked toward her, one hand possessively on the waist of a slender brunette. The actress leaned down and whispered something to her companion. The other woman nodded, then peeled away in the same direction her family and Reed had already gone.

"Morning Becky," she said politely, glad that Reed had disappeared into the crowd. Yesterday's schedule had kept them from being able to talk properly, and the twins had kept the planned breakfast from giving her a chance to tell Reed.

"That your new girlfriend? If I'd known you fancied tall, dark and granola, I'd have skipped the red phase and bought a cowboy hat." Becky riffled her hair, which was currently a deep mahogany.

"I could ask you the same question." She opened the trunk and carefully lifted out the two guitar cases.

"Gillian? At least she's not afraid to say 'I love you'."

"Hey Hollywood!" Jules yelled across the parking area, "need some help?" Jae had never been so glad to see the tall brunette guitarist in her life.

"I need to go." She put the electric on her back, adjusting the shoulder straps, then picked up the acoustic Guild.

"Don't you always?"

Jae stopped and turned. "You know Becky, one of the joys of breaking up is never having to make polite small talk. So if you'll excuse me." She walked towards where the other members of L'il Zon waited, the amused looks on their faces telling her that Becky was still watching her walk away.

"You must be one hell of a lay, girlfriend," Alix teased. "Cause she sure as hell don't want to let you go."

"Wouldn't you love to find out?" Jae shot back, a warm grin on her face.

"We're on at one, set up at eleven. Can you remember that, or do we need to tattoo it to your forehead?" Mar asked handing an amp to a young man in security blue waiting to take their stuff to the main stage.

"Now that's effective. Put it someplace I can't see it." Jae shook her head and reached in the van for another amplifier.

"Got plans till then?" Jules asked, removing a basketball from the front seat of her raisin coloured Honda.

"My mom and the twins are here, and I thought I'd check on how Sarah's doing. She's over at the dunk tank." The blonde actress had decided that if she had to participate, that she might as well have fun, so had volunteered to be the mermaid in the dunk tank.

She smiled to herself. Reed, on the other hand, figured serving up hotdogs was more her speed.

"Is she here?" Mare inquired slyly.

"She who?"

"Whoever it is that has you spacing out every five minutes and wanting to rehearse Chris de Burgh songs."

"Hey, I like Chris de Burgh," Alix chimed in, letting her off the hook.

"Catch you guys in a bit." Jae turned the Guild over to the roadie and wandered off in search of the others. This was shaping up to be a doozy of a day.

*********
 

"Hey kiddo. You don't look like you're having much fun." Reed dropped cross-legged on to a blanket next to Jae's nephew.

Solemn eyes looked at her thoughtfully for a moment before he shrugged and spoke. "I was just thinking about my friend Josh."

Reed reached for a stalk of the short, well-trampled grass and waited for the boy to continue on his own.

"He's not here this year."

Just by Alex's tone, she knew with painful certainty that Josh had been one of the children whom this benefit was intended to help. "You want to go look?"

"Can we?"

"Yes. They don't need me to dish up hot dogs till later. Why don't we find your sister and Jae at the same time?" The director had gone off to prepare for the set the band would play, taking her niece with her.

"Cool. Maybe Alix will let me play with her drums again." Excited, he stood, lightly moving on his feet.

She followed the path he chose through the increasingly crowded grounds. Occasionally someone recognized her and a few surprised looks were cast in her direction. She ignored them all, focused instead on her young charge.

"You like ice cream?"

"Yes."

"Me too. Let me guess - you're a chocolate chip cookie dough kind of kid."

"How'd you guess?"

"My...a friend of mine likes it. Single or double?"

"Double?" he asked hopefully.

"Double it is." She ordered a double vanilla cone for herself, and paid the extra for dipped waffle cones.

"Ms. Lewis?"

"It's just Reed. What?"

"Josh!" he yelled, eyes lighting up and reminding her of his aunt. The boy scrambled to greet his friend, ice cream cone and question forgotten.

She watched, amused, as the boys stood, hands in their pockets, feet scuffing the ground, as they made the inconsequential small talk designed to cover mutual relief. And how relieved are you? Reed asked herself. Small children and mortality were achingly familiar, and she had held Rio through tears of his own when children he had met in hospital passed away.

"What is it with you and vanilla ice cream?" In spite of her critique, Jae leaned down and took a mouthful of the cold treat.

Reed arched a brow at her friend and growled, "mine."

"Okay. I'll eat Alex's then." Before she could take a bite, the child in question rescued the cone.

"Aunt Jae! That's mine." Alex indignantly rescued the frozen treat.

"Possessive bunch aren't we?"

"Hey Tigger." She held the cone out for Jae to take another mouthful.

"Thanks. I shouldn't eat any more though. Bad for the singing voice."

"No problem. Hold that thought." Reed passed over the ice cream, then went to where the boys were standing. She leaned down and whispered to Alex, then handed him a five dollar bill. The two boys headed for the woman Reed presumed was Josh's mother. Satisfied by the smile that split Josh's face, she returned to the director.

"If you're not careful they're gonna start calling you the Ice Cream Queen."

Reed ducked her head and nibbled at the cone. "And as my first act, I hereby declare a moratorium on bubble gum ice cream."

"Jacqueline."

Silence and a slightly guilty look instantly replaced the smile and light laughter of the director. "Mother."

A slightly heavier version of Jae stood, one hand on her hip, the other clutching a purse that might have held the entire contents of Macy's - it was so large. Every hair was in place, the french braid topped by a tasteful hairpin. Her dress was equally elegant, though casual. Here is a woman who places great importance on appearances. All morning the older woman had studying her critically, and Reed had had enough. "Do I meet with your approval?" Reed drawled, not backing down from the appraising once over coming from eyes not quite as green as Jae's.

"I don't choose my daughter's friends, Ms. Lewis."

Something in the elder Cavanaugh's voice indicated that if it were left up to her, Jae would have a very different set of friends.

A light tug on her shirttail diverted her attention from the battle of words, and she looked down to find Josh smiling up at her, blue ice cream decorating his lips, chin and most of his face. "Thank-you."

"You're welcome."

"Honestly Jacqueline, you didn't buy Alex ice cream this close to lunch?"

"Mother - "

"No, Jacqueline didn't. I did." She let the name roll off her tongue, softening the syllables, removing the sting from the name that it had when Jae's mother said it.

"Thank-you for your generosity, but that's not how we do things. Ice cream is a dessert."

Taking another bite from the cone Jae still held, Reed made a show of enjoying the taste. "Ice cream is just frozen milk, and milk - it does a body good."

"It's obvious you have no children."

"Time out! Mother, that was uncalled for," Jae cut in. To anyone else, Reed's expression hadn't changed, but she had seen the flicker of pain in the actress' eyes.

"If you'll excuse me." Reed turned and left.

Jae watched the other woman leave, then turned on her mother. "You have no idea. Enjoy the concert."

"Jacqueline -"

"No, this time you've gone too far. I'm going to check on Alex, who is my responsibility today, not yours, and then I'm going to apologize for subjecting Reed to you." Angry, Jae turned away, missing the speculative look on her mother's face. The blonde trotted hurriedly to where Alex and Josh were kicking a soccer ball. "You alright hanging with Josh?"

"Yeah, we're gonna play in the kids' game." He didn't look at her, concentrating instead on getting the ball as close to where Josh was standing as possible.

She ruffled his hair and stole the ball, neatly sending it directly to the other boy's left foot. "I'll be at the stage when you're done. Behave yourself."

"I will."

Now, if I were Reed, where would I hide? Good thing I have the car keys. Jae stopped walking, dug her cell phone out of its belt clip and dialed the familiar number.

"Hello."

"You forgot your ice cream." Two small rivulets of melted cream were tracking aimlessly towards her hand, and Jae carelessly swiped her tongue at them before they could make contact with her flesh.

"So I did."

"Are we playing hide and seek, or would you rather be alone?"

"Jae, there are at least two hundred people here so far. I don't think being alone is an option."

"Hide and seek it is then." That got a snort from the actress and Jae could imagine the slight quirk to the full lips as Reed tried to hide her amusement. "One, two, three, four, five, seven, eight, nine, ten...ready or not Roo, here I come." Now the actress was chuckling out loud and Jae disconnected the call, a smile of her own matching the one she was sure that Reed was wearing.

"Alright, how many six foot tall women in a brown Akubra style hat could there be running around here, hmmm?"

"You talking to yourself again, Hollywood?" Mare fell into step beside her.

"Yep," she agreed, continuing to scan the crowd for Reed.

"Cait and Thom coming?"

"Yeah. They should be here in an hour or so. Why?"

"No reason, just curious."

"Unh-hunh." There. Just beside the pony ring, a long body casually leaned against the wooden fence. Now, how do I sneak up on her, without being seen? "Aine still hanging with Jules?"

"Yeah, that kid's got a great set of pipes. I think Jules wants to get her to do a song with us."

"She'd love that. She idolizes Jules."

"Your mother will pitch a fit, though."

"Mother will get over it," she snapped, still fuming internally over her mother's treatment of Reed. It was one thing when her choices and life were being scrutinized and found lacking, but she wasn't going to let her friends be attacked. Not anymore.

"Just don't be late okay?"

"I won't." She walked around the small barn, hoping to approach from Reed's blind side.

"Is that her?"

"Her?"

"The chica who has you smiling. Mierda Jae, but she is something."

"It's not like that. We're just friends. I'm not her type."

"For a woman like that, I would make myself her type," Mar joked.

"That would take about twenty-thousand dollars and four operations. But I'll take it under advisement." She looked over at the tall brunette slyly. "And besides, I'm sure Alix would have something to say about that"

"Hey, window shopping is allowed, even if the credit card is all maxed out."

"You are incorrigible." Vanilla ice cream was beginning to grow on her and Jae took another long swipe at the nearly finished cone.

"Later."

"Bye Mare." In the time it had taken for her to say goodbye, Reed had disappeared, and she looked around in confusion. She was just there. In the pony ring children were being led around the sawdust paddock, bright smiles on their young faces.

"Hello," a low voice drawled in her ear, nearly sending the cone flying as she jumped in surprise.

"Ahh...Reed!" Jae turned to face her friend. One eyebrow was cocked in jaunty humour, and blue eyes twinkled in mirth. "How do you do that?"

"Magic. A little faeiry steps out from behind a tree, sprinkles me with pixie dust, and voilà..." The actress snapped her fingers in the air.

Reed didn't seem any worse for wear after the verbal run-in with her mother, but Jae knew that just because nothing showed on the outside, didn't mean that the waters were calm on the inside.

"When I was a kid, the other girls in the neighborhood would have sleepovers. A bunch of us would just crash at someone's house. We'd do the pizza and all night movie thing. Cory's parents had a Beta machine, and I remember watching 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' and having trouble with the ground sausage topping. We were so terrified, but it was fun. I never had a sleepover at my house." Jae stopped walking and was looking out over the lush green foliage of Griffith Park. "That's not true. I had one." She looked over at the actress. "My mother means well, but she is very wrapped in ought to's and should be's."

"S'okay Jae. I should have asked before pumping him full of ice cream."

"No. I left him in your care. My mother has to accept that she can't control everything, or me. And that little display was directed more at me than you."

"How come you let her call you Jacqueline?"

Reed offered her the last of the waffle cone, and she opened her mouth allowing the actress to pop it neatly between her teeth. "That, Roo, is a very good question." Though if more people would pronounce it like Reed did she might just reconsider using it.

"It suits you, you know."

"You think so?"

"Yeah. I do."

*********

The woman Jae had introduced as Jules struck the opening chords to the first number and Reed could see the various band members looking out over the crowd as they gauged the audience's reaction. They had decided to start with something upbeat and boppy, to get the kids interested. 'Twist and Shout' had won out over 'Walking on Sunshine' and 'Kharma Chameleon'. Small mercies, she supposed.

The opening strains of 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' dropped onto the crowd's ears and Jae's niece, Aine, came out from the wings and took the mike from her aunt. The children watching screamed and danced as someone their own age belted out the Cyndi Lauper tune. Not, Reed thought, that they had a clue who originally recorded it.

Applause thundered and Aine bowed jauntily before skipping off to the wings. Jae sat on a stool and began picking out the chords of an Indigo Girls cover. Reed couldn't recall the title, but it was familiar from the time in the hotel in Orlando. The other guitarist waved to the crowd, inviting them to sing along. The words of the chorus washed over the listening crowd and gathered them up, connecting the audience to each other with a common thread of music. Unconsciously, she found, then locked eyes with Jae.

"...So we're okay, we're fine. Baby, I'm here to stop your crying, chase all the ghosts from your head. I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed, smarter than the tricks played on your heart. We'll look at them together, then we'll take 'em apart. Adding up the total of all that's true. Multiply life by the power of two...."

The words had taken on a new meaning since she'd first heard them, and Reed smiled back at Jae. She stretched her feet out in front of her and leaned back on her hands. Next to her, Alex and Josh were stretched out finishing the last of lunch. It had turned out that she didn't need to serve hot dogs after all, and had, instead, happily taken on the task of keeping an eye on the boys. She was pretty sure that Riordan would like Alex. Maybe when I say hi later, I'll introduce them.

Movement to the side of the stage caught her eye, and Reed looked over; her eyes were met with a thumbs-up and a cheeky grin. She nodded and smiled, then tapped Alex lightly on the foot. "Hey Kiddo, watch this."

Up on stage, Jae switched from the acoustic to steel electric and began the opening riffs to another song. The spotlights danced around the director before coming to rest just behind the blonde, the backlighting making her appear burnished and golden.

Another guitar wound its notes around the main riff and Reed smiled as the other two guitarists looked around in confusion. Jae was so focused on her music that she simply adjusted and carried on. It wasn't till the crowd started to scream that Jae turned her head to look at her bandmates.

Reed was close enough that she could see the shocked widening of the emerald green eyes as the director recognized the woman who had joined them on the stage.

"Mind if I join you?" The low throaty drawl floated out from the stage.

The rest of the band had recovered and everyone was now playing an improvised intro to the song. Jae shook her head and moved aside to share her mike, a look of wonder and joy on her face.

Satisfied, Reed leaned back again to enjoy hearing Jae play with one of her idols.

"Tell me does she love you like the way I love you? Does she stimulate you attract and captivate you? Tell me does she miss you existing just to kiss you...Like the way I do?"

"Tell me does she want you, infatuate and haunt you? Does she infect you, seduce you and affect you...Like the way I do?"

The two women wove their voices around each other. Jae's contralto a perfect foil for the huskier voice of her companion.

"Can I survive all the implications? Even if I tried could you be less than an addiction? Don't you think I know there's so many others, who would beg steal and lie, fight, kill and die...Just to hold you like I do?"

"Tell me does she love you like the way I love you? Does she stimulate you attract and captivate you? Tell me does she miss you existing just to kiss you...Like the way I do?"

An appreciative roar swelled from the crowd back to the stage as they became aware that they were being treated to something special. The band members were clearly enjoying themselves and it seemed that Jae radiated excitement.

"Nobody loves you like the way I do. Nobody wants you like the way I do. Nobody needs you like the way I do. Nobody aches just to hold you. Like the way I do."

"Tell me does she love you like the way I love you? Does she stimulate you? Attract and captivate you? Tell me does she miss you existing just to kiss you...Like the way I do?"

"Tell me does she want you, infatuate and haunt you? Does she inject you, seduce you and affect you...Like the way I do?"

The last notes trickled away and Jae leaned over to speak to the other woman, then shot a quick glance out in Reed's direction. Busted. The director had obviously figured out she had had something to do with the temporary addition to the band. Reed smiled and winked, though she knew Jae was too far away to see it.

More whispers were exchanged and then Jae switched guitars again. The women on stage formed a semi-circle around Jae, who once again took up a seat on the tall stool. The drummer started with a slow tempo that increased as, one by one, the other four joined her, Jae coming in last.

Applause started as the song was recognized and L'il Zon played once through the chorus before Jae leaned in and began to sing.

"Everytime, I look into your lovely eyes, I see a love that money just can't buy. One look, from you, I drift away. I pray that you are here to stay. Anything you want, you got it. Anything you need, you got it. Anything at all you've got it. Ba-by."

It was an audience of one. Reed knew that this was meant for her ears, that the director was using music to convey what she felt. Mushball. She laughed quietly to herself, both amused and touched by the gesture. The song had been on the slate already, but somehow it had become more.

"Everytime I hold you, I begin to understand. Everything about you tells me I'm your best friend. So I live, my life, to be with you. Cause no one else can do the things you do."

Jae's rich voice carried the chorus through alone the second time. "Anything you need. You know that you've got it. You got it. Anything you need, you got it. Anything at all. You've got it."

Echoes of emotion reverberated in the air after the final notes had fallen silent. Jae leaned forward and spoke into the microphone. "Thank-you."

The words were for the crowd but the sentiment was for her, and Reed whispered quietly, "You're welcome."
 
 

Chapter 37

Cait nudged Thom. "Holy Shit."

"Holy shit is right. Do you see who that is up there with Jae?"

"Not that her. That one." She emphasized, pointing. "C'mon." She tugged her fiancé along.

"What's so important about Becky?"

"It would take too long to explain. I'll tell you later. Now C'mon." Becky had been watching L'il Zon perform, and the AD recognized the expression on the actress' face. When the song had ended Becky had tracked the direction of Jae's gaze, anger visible even from this distance as Jae spoke. How blind are the two of you? Even Becky can tell there is something between you - and she doesn't like it.

Caitlynn felt like she was witnessing a train wreck in progress. Becky was headed for the blanket where Reed sat with Alex and another child. Looking up on the stage to where the band was partway through their encore, Cait could see Jae's eyes widen in fear as the blonde realized where Becky was headed, and was powerless to stop it.

"Would Rebecca Devereaux please come to the main ticket booth." The loudspeaker page cut over the music from the band and Becky lifted her head.

The actress' unknowing quarry continued to watch the show, a contented look softening the harsh angularity Caitlynn normally saw the woman wear. When Jae's ex turned from her path and headed away from the group lounging on the grass, the AD heaved a sigh of relief. "That was a lucky break."

Thom held up his cell phone. "No, luck is who's up on stage. That was technology in action. I know that Jae is good and all, but they're just a bunch of people who play for kicks - so how did that happen?"

"I dunno, but you're the reporter, so I bet I soon will." She gave him a playful nudge.

"Why hello, Caitlynn. How nice to see you again." Elizabeth Cavanaugh greeted her warmly.

Cait hugged her back and introduced Thom. "You remember Thom."

"Yes, and congratulations to you both. Can I have a word with you dear? I'm a bit concerned about Jacqueline."

"Now isn't a really good time." Over the older woman's shoulders, she could see Becky making her way back to where an unsuspecting Reed sat. Jae you had better hurry up and tell her soon, cause you, dude, are running out of time.

Elizabeth Cavanaugh laid a hand on Cait's wrist. "Is it serious?" The voice was kind, not judgmental.

Caitlynn looked from the blonde hurrying down the stage steps to the raven-haired actress lounging on the blanket. "I think this one could be," she said cautiously. If Becky doesn't fuck it up. If Jae doesn't find some way to fuck it up.

"Good." Came the fierce response.

The AD looked at her friend's mother in surprise, but an idea formed quickly behind the impact of the revelation that one word had touched off in her mind.

***********

Her cell phone chirped and Reed languidly reached into her haversack for the slim Nokia. "Hello."

"Hey," Heidi answered.

The actress looked at her watch, then tucked it back into a pocket, the call was early. "Rio around?"

"Ayup. Out in the yard with Finnegan."

"He rideable yet?" Rio had watched an old Disney re-run of 'The Swiss Family Robinson' and had decided that if Ernst could ride an ostrich, he could ride a sheep. It was one of the few animals to which he wasn't allergic.

"Barely. Geoff's with him. Heard anything about the interview?"

"No. But Dixon is supposed to drop off his version today, and it's wait and see how bad the 'Up Close' one is." She turned her back slightly to the boys, one eye still on the stage. "This isn't a really good time for this. I'll call you later and let you know."

"Right. You want me to get Rio?"

"Later. I want to introduce him to someone. They can do the RPG thing."

"Sounds cool. You meet someone?" Heidi perked up, interested.

What would the answer to that one be? Yes. And No. "No. Nothing like that. Jae's nephew is with me. I just thought they'd get along. Give me a half hour or so, then we'll sneak off." The music on the stage was winding down, the last strains drowned by the yells and applause of the audience. Jae would be down soon, then they could slip off for a bit. Thank God for unlimited weekends.

"If you say so. Later then."

"Bye." What in the hell was that supposed to mean? She'd have to remember to ask later. The next act was being introduced and the various members of L'il Zon had descended the stairs to the right of the stage.

Reed watched with interest as a blonde detached herself from a group of women and handed over a small squirming bundle to the rock musician in exchange for a discreet kiss. The child was launched into the air, delighted goos audible over the lounging crowd. Another child had wrapped herself around the woman's booted foot, and the laughing group headed for the blanket.

What's up with Jae? The director had a grim light in her eyes and the smile on her lips seemed tight to Reed. Next thing she knew, a mob surrounded the blanket. Caitlynn Waters and Thom Dixon had arrived, along with Jae's mother. Jules swung Aine off her shoulders and deposited the girl next to her twin. Christ, doesn't Jae have any straight friends? Mare and the drummer were holding hands. She half expected Holly to pop up at any moment, except she knew that the screenwriter had headed up to San Jose to visit friends.

"You okay?" she whispered as Jae settled onto the ground next to her.

"Fine. Just a little overwhelmed, I guess. How'd you pull that off anyway?"

"I just asked. Nothing fancy."

"You just asked?"

"Yep. A polite 'Hello my name is...would you consider...' sort of email."

"You're something else, Roo." Alex climbed into his aunt's lap and she ruffled his hair. "G'wan, go bug Thom for a bit. I need to talk to Reed."

Alex got up obediently, and to Reed's surprise gave her a quick hug before dashing after the tall reporter.

"Cute kids."

Jae watched them for a minute. "Yeah, probably as close to parenthood as I'll get, so I make the most of it."

Over Jae's shoulder, Reed could see Elizabeth Cavanaugh watching them intently. Feeling protective of her friend, she slid closer. "Well they are pretty lucky." She looked over to where Alex and Aine were wrestling with Thom and the other little girl, and made her decision. "You want to meet Rio?"

Startled green eyes revealed the answer before the words left the director's lips. "I'd like that."

"C'mon. I left the laptop in the car."

"You brought your laptop? Most people carry a book, you know."

"Ha ha." Reed stood and reached down a hand, hauling the director to her feet. She pulled a little too hard, forgetting how much lighter Jae was, and nearly ended up back on the ground with the director on top of her.

"Whoa." Jae laughed, her breath tickling the side of Reed's neck.

The actress suppressed an involuntary shudder. "Sorry." Green eyes were locked on hers and for a minute she experienced a disorienting shift in time and place. Careful, you're not on the set and she's not your co-star.

"No problem."

Together they set out across the teeming sea of sun-worshiping bodies in the direction of Jae's car.

Elizabeth Cavanaugh watched her daughter leave. Jacqueline was engaged with the actress in ways that she wasn't used to seeing from her daughter. It was like Reed commanded Jacqueline's full attention, and when they talked it was as still as she had ever seen her youngest child.

Jacqueline had been different right from day one. The intelligent, calm gaze of the newborn had met her own tired eyes and Elizabeth had known that this child of hers was as different from her as two people could get.

Always her daughter seemed to be looking for something that seemed to stay just out of reach. Even her father, though he indulged her, never really understood Jacqueline. None of them had. No one except my father - and then only mother seemed to come close to understanding him. Watching the retreating slender form, she wished that he were still alive.

There wasn't a box for her daughter. No safe place for the young woman to hang her identity. Jacqueline would have been surprised to learn that her sexuality hadn't been a secret since she had entered puberty. She'd tried to teach Jacqueline how to at least fake the box - tried to give her the tools to blend in. So she'd tried to force dance lessons and piano, tried to instill a respect for the family traditions and rituals. But her daughter had wanted no part of it, content to follow the path that only she could see.

Standing in the hot afternoon sun, she continued to stare at the retreating form of her daughter and her new lover. Would this one work?

"Jacqueline honey? Are you up here?"

A small voice answered quietly, "Yes."

She could hear the pain in her daughter's tone, could almost see the tears that she knew must be running down the youngster's cheeks. Something had happened at the dance, and Elizabeth feverently wished her husband were home. "You need to talk about it?"

"Love sucks."

"Sometimes." She climbed the rest of the way into the attic, settled down against a pillar and just waited for the adolescent to continue in her own.

Is this my fault? Had she unwittingly contributed to Jacqueline's inability to sustain a relationship? Had she helped create a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe it wasn't too late to fix.
 
 

Chapter 38

Mind in a turmoil, Jae walked next to Reed. Will I lose this? They were walking almost shoulder to shoulder, and several times Reed had rested her hand on the small of Jae's back, guiding her through the growing crowd. It surprised her how much she craved that simple contact. Contact without ulterior motive or expectation, and now, now she might lose it.

Not that Reed hadn't surprised her several times today with a complete lack of reaction to things she was sure would set the actress off. Like Mare and Alix. Or the children. No, on second thought, that didn't surprise her at all.

"Penny for your thoughts." Reed's low voice cut through her distracted thoughts.

"Umm, sorry." She would have to tell Reed soon. Today. But for now she wanted to enjoy the easy camaraderie. Just in case.

"How good is Alex at keeping a secret?" It was another of Reed's abrupt conversational changes.

"About as good as your average nine year old. Why?"

Reed smiled down at her. "I was thinking of letting him do the RPG thing with Rio."

"I'm not sure what an RPG thing is, but I know if it has anything to do with computers he'd love it."

"Why don't you boot up the computer, connect the cell like I showed you and I'll be right back." Reed handed over her cell phone.

"I suppose I could manage that," she said dubiously. "But wouldn't it make more sense if you booted up and I went to get Alex?"

"It would, if I didn't need to make a side trip to the facilities. You boot up, and when I get back, I'll set up with Rio and you can go get Alex."

"Sounds like a plan."

They had reached the car and Jae unlocked the trunk, removing Reed's pack and opening the cooler tucked under the rear edge. "Thirsty?"

"Yes." Blue eyes peered curiously into the dim recesses of the trunk, then lit up as she spotted something. "Jones' Cream Soda? I didn't know you could get that here."

Jae laughed and fished out a bottle of the clear pop. "You can't. I shot a film in Vancouver, and acquired a taste for it. A friend sends them FedEx."

"You have nice friends."

"I like to think so." Jae said quietly, she held Reed's eyes and was rewarded with a faint blush.

"Be right back."

The director shook her head in amusement as Reed scrambled away from the car. She grabbed a blanket from inside the trunk and moved over to a shady area under a large tree. Opening her own soda, she leaned back against the smooth trunk and unzipped the laptop case. A slight breeze ruffled her hair, and Jae took a moment to just breathe in the air and absorb the day.

The whirring of the hard drive mixed seamlessly with the sounds of life around her. It was, she thought, a perfect moment. Then she tucked away the calm joy and turned her attention back to the task at hand.

The cell connected without difficulty, and she found the web browser easily, a simple double click opening up the world wide web. Ooo, this is interesting. Under bookmarks she'd found a series of intriguing names, including Holly's. She clicked on one and the machine chimed at her, so she tried another with the same result.

"Stupid machine," she muttered under her breath.

"What's wrong?"

Guiltily, she jumped, not having heard the actress return. "I can't get to this link."

"Why not?"

"Like I'd know - it's your computer."

Reed sat down next to her, body slightly behind hers, and peered over her shoulder at the screen. "Ah." She typed a few keystrokes, bringing up the page Jae had been trying to access. "Net Nanny."

"Net Nanny?"

"It's a program to keep Rio out of sites that he's not supposed to be in."

Curious about what Reed had been reading that would have triggered the net nanny, Jae started to read. The link had obviously picked up in the middle of a story, and as she read, she resisted the impulse to look up at Reed. Holy cow...

"Then you definitely need your coffee," Rose said, handing over the two coffee mugs. "And if you're going to kiss me good morning, do it right."

"Mmm, morning breath. No kisses until after I brush my teeth."

"I'll take my chances."

"Really?" An eyebrow raised slightly as she set the mugs down. Turning around, she took first one crutch, then the other and put them to the side before gathering Rose in her arms. "So you want a good morning kiss, hmm?" She lowered her head and poured all of her love into a series of soft kisses. Her lips nipped and coaxed until she felt the young woman's mouth open for her. Ronnie swallowed soft moans as her tongue explored the inside of Rose's mouth. Oh yeah, you like that, don't you? To her utter surprise she felt a very insistent tongue pushing into her own mouth. Now it was the executive's turn to moan. When they broke apart, both woman had to take a few seconds to get their breathing under control. "How's that?" she asked in a husky voice. "Does that meet with your approval for a morning kiss, hmm?"

Mariel took a deep breath as she covered her eyes with her hand, willing herself to slow down the adrenaline that was making her shake. It was a mixture of fear, hurt, and hope. The private detective's voice spoke quietly in her ear.

"I'm sorry..."

The young woman who had completed her Ph.D. in forensic psychology a year ago, and who had helped crack the first case she had received, exhaled at the words. Mariel didn't really know how to respond to that. Half of her wanted to say, 'Sorry?? Oh, you mean you're sorry for breaking our date and not calling me for three months...or you're sorry for disappearing off the face of the earth...or maybe you're sorry you called me now?? Well, apology not accepted.' The other half of her just wanted curl up and forget the January winter outside. Instead, she said nothing.

"Mariel..."

Tina spoke quietly, almost pained in the low vibration of the word. The muffled sound of a woman's voice asking for the Smith party to meet at Gate 13 filled the silence between them. With a whisper, Mariel responded.

"Yes?"

There was a pause as the investigator took a breath and spoke again, the exhaustion and emotion creeping into Tina's voice. "I'm sorry..."

Mariel rolled on to her side and pulled the cover closer around her shoulder, her hand holding the phone tight to her ear. A million different emotions went through her body. Swallowing, she closed her eyes.

"So you're in Miami..."

Mariel's voice caught Tina's attention again and she looked over, seeing the blonde half in and half out the door. Smiling faintly before she left, the young forensic psychologist spoke softly.

"It's good to see you again, you know.."

And with that, she was gone, leaving the detective alone with her thoughts. With the pain in her side beginning to lessen and the fever having reached its peak earlier, all Tina could feel was incredibly drained, incredibly tired, and incredibly compelled to make it up to Mariel before all was said and done. If she learned anything from her journey, it was that she never intended on leaving again. Unfortunately, the hard part was just beginning.

"I um found them while looking for more of Holly's stuff." Reed was looking at the grass, hands twisting about a flat stalk.

The intermittent whirring of the computer's hard drive underscored the shallow, even breathing of the actress. "You and your research." Jae smiled and then casually opened a link she recognized the name of. "I love these things. Thom put the laugh on Cait's answering machine, cracked everyone up." Dancing gophers began to line the screen and she giggled. A soft exhalation of air from the body next to her told Jae that she had made the right call.

"Rio likes those too."

She'd have given anything to know what was going on behind those incredible blue eyes, but the moment passed. "I'll be right back." Jae squeezed Reed's shoulder and headed off to grab her nephew.

******

Leaning back on her elbows an hour later, she smiled to herself. Rio and Alex weren't the only ones who got on well. Every time Alex looked at the actress, hero worship fairly shone from his pale eyes. The ultra-loaded laptop hadn't hurt her case either. Reed was lounging by her side, eyes closed, hands folded neatly over her tummy, and Jae indulged herself for a minute, just studying the other woman.

The tightness from this morning was gone, and Jae was pretty sure that Reed was enjoying herself. She let her eyes sweep along the lightly muscled arms and over the tanned length of well-formed legs that showed beneath the casual skirt, then back up again, only to fall into the wide open gaze of her friend. "Hey."

"Hey yourself," Reed responded, a slight smile hanging on her lips.

"We should be getting back before they send out a search party."

"Well we did bring a chaperone." Catlike, she rolled onto her stomach and looked up at Jae through bangs that hung sloppily in her eyes.

Without thinking, Jae reached over and gently tucked the stray locks back out of the way. "Ummm, someone had to come keep the two of you out of trouble." There is no way I'm going there, nuh-unh. Chicken, m'grrl? Bawk, Bawk.

"Smartass."

They were both smiling as Jae took the opening and responded to the running joke. "Yeah but I'm your smartass."

"Why Jac-que-line, I do declare. Whatevah would your grandmother say?" Reed teased.

"I'm going to get you for that." Without thinking, she pounced on the actress, intending to pin the woman to the ground, and instead found the tables turned.

"You will, will you?" An amused smirk decorated Reed's face as she purred the words.

"Alex! Help." She lifted her hips off the ground in an attempt to dislodge the actress and succeeded only in giving Reed an open target.

The boy laughingly jumped in and soon they were a tangled mess of arms and legs. Reed's hands brushed over her sides and she gasped as the sensations registered on her brain and in her body. The skin under her fingers was soft, the light muscles supple as the actress twisted to avoid being tickled. It was sensuous without being sexual, and Jae marvelled at the differences she found between interacting with this woman and the countless others that had come before. At last their eyes met, and Reed winked. Then by unspoken consent they both turned on Alex, making him squirm under the combined assault of their fingers.

"Uncle, uncle..."

"You don't have any uncles," Jae teased, slacking off the attack of her fingers and letting him draw breath.

"Auntie...auntie."

She sat back on her heels and allowed him to sit up.

Reed reached over and tweaked his nose. "C'mon, I think I need another ice cream cone after that. Why don't you fold up the blanket and stuff."

"Cool." Alex scrambled to his feet and tried to neatly fold the blanket.

Jae looked down at her friend, surprised to see tears forming in the corners of her eyes. "You okay?"

"Never better." There was a moment of silence before Reed continued. "I needed that. I miss him so much sometimes."

"He's a very lucky little kid."

"I'm the lucky one." Then Reed was up and in motion, taking one end of the blanket from Alex and helping him to stow it in the car.

"Last one back's a rotten egg," Alex called over his shoulder, already headed back towards the benefit and its carnival-like atmosphere.

"Oh, he's clearly your nephew all right." Reed took off running after him, long legs rapidly eating up the distance.

Jae locked the car and broke into a run. Up ahead, she saw Reed reach down, pluck Alex off the ground, and swing him onto her shoulders. "Looks like it's a tie, tiger," she heard Reed tease Alex.

"Not quite, Roo." Jae laughed, poking Reed in the tummy as she flew past. With her head turned towards the actress and her nephew, she didn't see Becky detach herself from a group crowded around the area to the left of where her friends and family were still lounging.

Next thing she knew, Reed had a firm grip on her arm, preventing what would have been a nasty fall to the ground. "You all right?"

"Fine." Which was the exact opposite of the truth.

Amber eyes narrow in malice pinned her in place, and Jae swallowed convulsively. A sickly sweet smile was given out, and a matching quirk of an eyebrow sent the director a detailed message.

It was like watching an edit frame by frame through a tape machine. She could see every detail. Could see the wind as it batted stray locks of hair around Becky's head. She could see the faint pinkening of her ex-lover's alabaster skin as rage and hurt spread, leaving flushed skin in its wake, along with the rise and fall of the dress over a chest struggling to contain its breathing and keep to a regular rythym. And so too could she see the malice shift and change to confused hurt. To her left she could feel the heat of Reed's body. Could sense the almost preternatural quickening of the other woman's breathing in response to the situation. Reed seemed taller somehow, as though she was responding to the intangible shift in atmosphere and picking up on the unspoken threat.

Jae looked around for Cait. The AD was supposed to run interference in the wake of the close call earlier. Nothing. She was on her own. Please don't do this, Becky. She silently implored the tall, willowy woman, pleading with her eyes in lieu of words she couldn't say aloud.

"Why hello. I don't believe we've met." Becky held out a hand towards Reed. "Rebecca Devereaux. I'm an old...friend of Jae's."

Reed took the proffered hand, every nerve in her body throbbing with the tension she could almost see hanging in the air around them. What the hell? "Reed Lewis."

"Becky!" Aine called excitedly.

"Nice song." The tension lessened somewhat as Jae's niece came to stand with them.

"Did you really like it? Jules said I could sing with them again maybe."

"Would I lie to you?"

Reed felt like she was missing something. Jae was standing almost rigid, her green eyes warily tracking the movements of the Devereaux woman, occasionally scanning the crowd behind them as though looking for reinforcements. The tension in the blonde's shoulders seemed to lessen slightly, and Reed followed her gaze to find Caitlynn, Mare and Jae's mother bearing down on the group.

In child-like contrast, Alex was scuffing the dirt with one foot as he alternated glances between her and the ice cream stand, his interest and priorities far removed from the current situation. Reed winked at him and mouthed, "in a minute." She wasn't sure whose tender mercies it would be crueler to leave Jae to - those of a woman with whom the director obviously had some issues, or the newly arrived Elizabeth Cavanaugh.

"How come you didn't come for breakfast this morning?"

"Cause Reed is Aunt Jae's girlfriend now, dummy," Alex supplied, shaking his head at Aine.

Reed nearly lost the meaning of the words in the dazzling smile the boy gave her. Her own shock was mirrored back in the silent stares of the people surrounding her. Then the silence fell prey to the roaring heartbeat in her ears as the information sank in and understanding dawned. Jae is gay.

There was frenzied movement around her and she registered that the children had been whisked away. This is not happening...it's not true, can't be true. The tears in Jae's eyes confirmed the stark truth of the innocent words. But she needed to hear it. Needed the evidence of betrayal made plain. "Is it true?" she asked, the calm tones surprising even her.

"Yes." The admission came as a quiet whisper and Reed avoided contact with the blonde's eyes. Everything seemed far away, people distant surreal images that flowed like a Salvadore Dali painting.

A lilting laugh cut into the hammering thunder beating at her ears and brought the world back into momentary focus. "Out of the mouths of babes."

Without thinking, Reed grabbed the other woman's arm momentarily preventing her from leaving, then released it. Jae didn't deserve defending. Deliberately, she turned on a heel and walked away. Don't think about it, just walk, one step at a time. She repeated the mantra over and over again, moving farther away from the emotional carnage of what had been a close to perfect day.

"Reed, please!" Jae had come around in front of her. "Stop, please."

It was the performance of a lifetime, but somehow she managed to keep moving, to keep her temper in check.

Jae reached out and grabbed her arm. "Reed - "

"Don't touch me." She yanked her arm away from the smaller woman.

"I tried - "

"Tried to what? Seduce me?" They were away from the crowds now, and Reed let some of the anger she felt surface.

"It wasn't like that."

"Wasn't it?" She stepped forward into the director's personal space and backed Jae up against a car. Projecting all the edgy menace in her repertoire, Reed leaned in and purred, "This is what you wanted, isn't it?" Their bodies were so close that another inch would be enough to meld them into a single unit.

"Bodies and talent, remember Jae?" She closed the gap and brought her mouth down on Jae's, ignoring the pang of conscience that echoed under the anger and fear. "Was it my body? Do you want me Jae?" she purred silkily, every inch the vixen.

Reed could see pain and fear reflected back in the eyes she had found open and guileless, but Jae said nothing, made no further attempt to explain away the unforgivable. Her own anger rose in response, driving her to lash out at Jae and hurt her as deeply as possible. To give away some of her own pain. Roughly she kissed the director, drawing a confused response, then abruptly broke away. "Or my talent?" They were both breathing raggedly, the heaving of their chests prolonging the physical contact between them.

"Roan couldn't have had a better pupil. You learned your lessons well." With that she moved away from the car and the silent tears of the woman who had broken through walls only to destroy her soul.
 
 

Chapter 39

The hot metal of the car seared through the thin material of her shirt and left tracks of fire on her back, but Jae was oblivious to the physical pain. Without realizing it, she came to rest on the ground, sharp stones and twigs failing to penetrate the shock.

It was the last thing she had expected. The last place she had thought the information would come from. I didn't even realize they knew. Becky had been right. Out of the mouths of babes. It would be funny if it didn't hurt so much. That even Alex had been able to see what neither she nor Reed had been willing to acknowledge.

Her mouth still hurt and she could feel the ghost-like imprint of Reed's mouth on hers. It had all been in that simple savage kiss. Everything she had lost.

But that wasn't what hurt the most.

No, what hurt the most was Reed's completely shuttered blue eyes. Eyes that had once been open to her were now shut firmly, the woman behind them once again hidden.

"Jae?" Cait called softly.

"Here." Nowhere. What were the words to that Auden poem again? Pour away the ocean, sweep up the wood. For nothing now can e'er come to any good.

"You okay?"

She didn't even try to pretend. "No," she admitted quietly. "I'm not."

Her friend came to sit next to her and reached over with one hand. Jae flinched back from the touch. "Don't."

Cait let her hand fall away, and for a moment Jae regretted her sharp tone. "Okay. Your mother took the twins back with her...what?"

Jae jerked her head up. Had her mother been privy to the little scene with Reed? She tried to remember whereabouts Elizabeth had parked, but she couldn't seem to think. "Did they come this way?"

"No."

She nodded.

Cait tilted the director's jaw upwards before Jae could stop the motion. "Does that question have anything to do with why your lip is bleeding?"

Brown eyes were locked on hers as she struggled to find an answer. She took too long.

"Bitch. I swear Jae, if I could whack that woman with a clue-by-four, I would. She had no right."

"She had every right."

"To hit you? No, Jae. No one has that right."

"She didn't hit me. Now just drop it." Except her own anger was beginning to rise now and fresh tears of frustration threatened to spill over. I need to get out of here. Abruptly she stood and waved off Caitlynn. "I don't need a babysitter. I'll be fine."

And she would have been if when she opened the door of the Saturn she hadn't been hit by a blast of sandalwood. Through a haze of tears she started the car and aimlessly left behind the shattered remnants of her perfect afternoon. 

******

Caitlynn walked slowly back to where the rest of the group waited. This is bad. Very bad. She'd never seen Jae quite like that. The blonde had actually flinched away from something as she'd gotten into her car. And the look of utter desolation that had replaced the fire she was accustomed to seeing in the bright, vivid eyes of green was almost more than she could bear to see.

Wordlessly, she walked up to Thom and let him enfold her in a tight hug, burying her face against his chest, just taking in his solid reality and the tangible warmth he radiated.

"She's so alone right now."

"I think they both are," Thom said quietly.

She hadn't considered that. The trickle of blood on the side of Jae's mouth had wiped whatever sympathy for Reed she had had right out of existence. "It bites, Thom."

"Yeah. It does." He squeezed a little tighter and kissed the top of her head.

"Shit. What if she does another runner?" That was the other distinctly possible outcome of today's little brouhaha. Reed would just up and quit. It wasn't like she hadn't done it before - and over something much less volatile - she'd simply gotten tired of a bedmate-cum-pimp.

"I think that is the least of your problems."

"You're right. Jae just seemed so small, like she'd been kicked in the stomach."

"Hon, I know you're biased. But Reed didn't look much better. I don't think I've ever seen the blood drain out of someone's face faster than I did hers. She looked like she'd been pole-axed."

Cait nestled against his side and walked toward his car, still tucked comfortably under his arm. "I think that tomorrow morning is going to be very interesting. I can see it now, 'Director Killed by Modem-wielding Actress'."

"The 'Up Close' article is due out tomorrow," Thom reminded her.

"Oh goody. This just goes from bad to worse. You may have more damage control to help with than we thought if what happened today gets out."

"Not if, Babe. This is Hollywood. It's just a matter of when."

"So Jae discovered," she said ruefully. It would figure that when Jae finally made an honest emotional connection with someone it would be founded on such a devastating dishonesty. Suddenly she was tired, the implosion having sucked as much energy from her as it had from the principals. Even Becky had looked shocked by what had happened. "Thom?"

"Yeah hon?"

"Take me home." She needed very much to be reminded that there was love, that there were happy endings, and that maybe if she had one, then Jae would get one too. Even if her choice was Reed Lewis.

******

No keys. No wallet. No fucking clue where in the hell I am.

Now there's an understatement.

Reed stopped walking and just stood by the side of the road. The cell was in its belt clip, the weight bouncing against her hip as she walked, a reminder that help was a phone call away - if she had had someone to call.

Suck it up. It's not the first time you've had to fend for yourself. Below her, she could see the activity of Hollywood proper. Cars and people buzzed along Sunset and then up to Hollywood Boulevard in an endless circuit, the Saturday night ritual already in progress despite the early hour. It would, she judged, take about an hour and a half to reach the commercial sections versus at least three to get to her house.

"Information. What city please?"

"Hollywood."

"Thank-you. What listing?"

"Money Mart."

"Thank-you. Please hold for that number." The mechanoid voice paused, and Reed could hear the faint clicking of a line being transferred. "The number is 213-555-7917." She disconnected without waiting for the offer to be connected to the number for a small fee. One-handed, she dialed the Money Mart and got the address and business hours.

It struck her as funny that the Money Mart was only a couple of miles away from where she was standing yet was a long distance call, whereas the next number - clear on the other side of the country - was a local one.

"Chappelle residence." Geoff's strong voice sounded in her ear.

"It's me. I need you guys to call this number: 213-555-7917, and wire them some money."

"Reed, what's wrong?" The background noise was muffled and she suspected Geoff was calling his wife over.

"Nothing. So don't worry Heidi."

"Reed..."

"I said nothing's wrong. I just lost my keys and wallet. No big deal."

"Okay." He sounded unsure, but didn't press. "Which account and how much?"

"The new chequing one." Bitch tried to buy me. Might as well use the money. It was Saturday night, Jae had her stuff and she was due on set in the morning. Knowing the director, the woman would come after her. "Four hundred." The cell started to chirp insistently, warning her of low battery level. "Fuck. I need to go. I'll call from the hotel."

Arriving at a hotel without a wallet, vehicle or luggage severely reduced the options of where you could stay in this town. Outside her window, she could see the battered defunct neon sign which told the world that this was the Chesterfield Hotel. She'd paid a week in advance, ten bucks extra for her own bathroom, five bucks for sheets and five more as deposit on a second pillow.

It wasn't much. It wasn't even cozy. But the door locked, and best of all, it was the last place anyone would look for her. With the bed made up she had nothing left to do -no immediate crisis or problem to solve - and the afternoon came crashing down on her again.

How could I have been so fucking stupid?

She was your friend.

NO! She used me. Played me like a fish, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Are you sure you didn't fall for her?

She pulled the pillow over her head in a useless effort to drown out the mocking internal voice. It sure as hell explained a lot though. And to think, I was beginning to blame myself for what was happening. It was her.

Right. It was her fault you got so turned on you needed to seek relief in the shower. Right. The thing she hated most about the antagonistic little voice was how clearly she could hear the sarcastic drawl - and how much it sounded just like she did.

"I don't need to think. I need a fucking drink. Or ten." The image in the mirror failed to contradict her, so she headed out the door, taking care that it was locked securely behind her.

It should have been relatively easy to buy alcohol in a state that sold it in corner stores. But for some reason her mind refused to co-operate, and she'd been to a half dozen stores before she'd been able to choose something. She'd even lost track of how long she'd been wandering around the squalid streets of Hollywood.

Gum spattered stars with bronze icons lined the sidewalks, serving as tangible proof of the deification the public awarded the bright lights and big stars. The streets were filling up, the doorways and eateries much more crowded than in her last couple of circuits. In her hand the plastic bag with plastic cups and plastic courage began to cut into her palm, the weight pressing the handles into her skin.

The bright cacophony of the city streets hurt her ears, hurt her head and grated on her nerves. But the silence of the hotel room was worse so Reed forced herself to keep walking until finally she couldn't take the press of people and noise anymore.

She cut up along Vine, and walked back along Hollywood Boulevard. Sleek racing bikes that had never been out of the city carried their cargo of buff men and underdressed women in an unending stream; convertibles crammed to capacity with college co-eds crawled by; pedestrians weaved in and out of the parade of humanity on display. Reed watched them all, the intoxication they felt at being part of the mass spectacle lost on her.

There were whistles and invitations but none of it touched her. Unbidden the words of a W.H. Auden poem traced through her head. The stars are not wanted now; put out every one. Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean, sweep up the wood. For nothing now can e'er come to any good.

The dirty concrete steps of the hotel were in front of her; somehow she must have turned onto North Hudson, but she didn't remember doing it. In her room, Reed left the lights off and sank into a battered chair that smelled vaguely of vomit, urine and cigar smoke.

She'd bought cigarettes but didn't bother to light one. Instead she poured a generous amount of Ol' Grandad into a plastic cup. The first swallow stung and cut at her throat, but she downed the whiskey anyway.

Outside, the wind had picked up with the setting of the sun and the blinds banged against the chipped windowsill. Reed suddenly felt the need to see the stars and it depressed her that she couldn't.

No stars, no water or waves.

Wonder if that's where Jae is?

Angrily, she crushed the plastic cup, annoyed to have Jae invade her thoughts, annoyed that she gave a damn about where the director was. Sharp plastic had scored the side of her hand and she watched tiny droplets of blood well up in the wound.

Under the whiskey she could taste the remnants of the copper tang from her rough assault on Jae's mouth. She couldn't call it a kiss. It hadn't been.

But you want it to be.

Yes.

Reed poured more whiskey in a fresh glass and downed it in one smooth motion, the fire skipping her mouth and igniting in her belly. The bottle beckoned her, its dark liquid and mind-numbing promise an easy solution to the turmoil raging through her mind.

That was wrong. You shouldn't have done that. But she had wanted to know, needed the proof - and had been given more than she'd bargained for. Another fifth of the potent alcohol slid easily down her throat.

A faint buzz was starting now and fuzzy warmth was spreading through her body. She poured another glass, but didn't drink from it, content to let what she had already consumed do its job. Oblivion was a nice thought - but it also meant being out of control.

So what now?

I could walk away. The new contract had released enough money so that added to what 'Up Close' had paid, Rio's surgery was no longer out of reach or a hardship. The worst Jae could do would be to sue for non-performance, and by the time that came to court the money would be long since spent.

You promised.

She fucking promised too. Promised a friendship she couldn't deliver. Had used friendship to manipulate and seduce her. And she'd wanted it so badly she'd ignored the voice in her head that knew better. That knew there was always a price.

Reed rolled a mouthful of whiskey around her tongue, absorbing the alcohol, and savoured the taste. This time she wasn't going to be the one to pay it.

**********

Jae drove without thought or direction. Halfway to Santa Monica, it occurred to her that she couldn't remember any traffic lights - never mind if she had stopped at the red ones. The metallic copper taste of blood lingered in her mouth, a tangible link to her guilt.

What do I do now? How do I salvage a working relationship out of this? Would Reed's promise hold? Or will I walk on the set tomorrow morning only to find I have lost more than my best friend.

And there was another thing to consider. It would, if Reed walked off the set, most likely cost her her career. The one slim hope she had was that Riordan would hold Reed to the contract. But you released the restrictive clauses on the 'Balance' contract and she signed it yesterday.

"Rule number one, Cait: Never ever mix business and pleasure. And I blew it." She hadn't even let Becky read for walk-on parts in the movie. You blew more than that, m'grrl.

"What'll I do of she walks out?" Jae turned a corner and parked the car in an empty slot along the shoreline. The wind had picked up with the setting sun and a stiff breeze blew in from the Pacific. Rose-coloured rays danced along the undulating waves, giving the ocean a fantasy appeal.

"What do I do if she doesn't?" Oy. That was harder. If Reed walked off, that was it - it was over and done with. But if she came back.... If she came back, I'd have to find a way to work with her.

If you can find a way to work with her, m'grrl, then maybe... Jae cut the errant thought off and opened the trunk to remove the blanket. A black briefcase style tote looked back up at her. Reed's laptop...and her purse...and...the hat. She didn't know why, but she lifted the hat out of the trunk and ran her thumb along the edges of the brim before putting it on.

It was miles too big. And it fit just right.

Jae wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, the rough nap of the Mexican weave comforting against her bare arms, and walked toward the pounding surf. Maybe the noise of the ocean would drown the voice in her head that would not let her forget her guilt.

Part 7

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