ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. ROYAL RESIDENCE - MORNING

Xena is sitting next to the window at a small table, with what appears to be one of the sheets from the bed artfully wrapped around her body.

The curtains on the bed are still down. On the table before Xena is a silver pitcher and a pottery cup full of whatever is in the pitcher.  There is also a platter of little biscuits, unidentifiable colorful tidbits she has carefully avoided eating, and what looks like the remains of a two thousand year old Greek version of a sticky bun.

There is a knock on the door. Xena looks up from her sticky bun, and licks her fingers neatly.

XENA

Yeah?

The door opens, and one of the men assigned to her as a servant enters.

SERVANT

Good morning, your majesty!

XENA

Keep your voice down,

or it won't be.

SERVANT

(whispering)

Lord Malcos wishes to see you.

Xena takes a sip from the cup.

XENA

I get it. Everyone gets to

play royal, is that it?

The man shrugs.

XENA

(cont’d)

All right. Send him in.

She waits for door to close.

XENA

(cont’d)

Bet I know what he wants.

The door opens again, and Malcos enters. He walks over to the table Xena is at, and bows, then realizes Xena is dressed in only a sheet and nearly completes the motion landing on his head.

XENA

(cont’d)

(archly)

Yeees?

Malcos recovers.

MALCOS

Your majesty, I would like to

take this opportunity to

discuss my case with you.

XENA

Thought court didn't

start until after lunch.

Malcos looks around.

MALCOS

Well, it doesn't. Ah....

Where is your lovely consort?

XENA

Lovely co..oh.

She glances at the bed.

XENA

(cont’d)

Sleeping.

MALCOS

Ah. Yes, it was a

long day yesterday.

XENA

Longer night. Some reason

this can't wait for the court?

Malcos clears his throat.

MALCOS

May I sit down?

Xena considers.

XENA

Sure.

Malcos takes a seat across the table from Xena.

MALCOS

You seem to be a

woman of the world.

Xena's eyebrows hike up.

MALCOS

(cont’d)

I would like to propose a settlement

for my case. One that would be

advantageous to both of us.

XENA

To you and the other guy?

Malcos frowns.

MALCOS

To you and myself,

your majesty.

Xena gets up and strolls around the room. It is a fifty-fifty chance whether or not the sheet will stay in place and Malcos starts edging forward to the front of his chair, clutching the arms as he is wondering about his luck today.

Xena turns and faces him. The front of her sheet falls off her shoulder. She catches it and tosses it back and he twitches in his seat.

XENA

You saying you want

to cut a deal?

MALCOS

(relieved)

Yes. The way I see it....

Malcos gets up and also paces. They circle each other slowly.

MALCOS

(cont’d)

I seek a quick resolution

to my problem....

XENA

You might want to

move to another city.

MALCOS

(obliviously)

And you look like the kind of

woman who would appreciate a

sound financial transaction.

My offer is five hundred dinars.

Xena puts her hands on her hips.

XENA

Five hundred dinars?

MALCOS

(smiling)

Think of all the lovely things you

could buy your... friend....???

Xena walks over to him. She grabs him firmly by the collar, and turns him around. Then she walks him on his tip toes to the door, opens the door, shoves him through, and kicks him in the butt as he goes. He flies out. Xena slams the door shut. As she does so, her sheet falls to the floor.

GABRIELLE

(sleepy)

Ugly.

Xena turns around to face her. She thinks Gabrielle is talking about her.  Gabrielle's head is sticking out from between the curtains.

XENA

Excuse ME?

GABRIELLE

(clearing throat)

I said things could get ugly.

Can you believe that offer?

Xena snorts, and goes to the bed, sprawling on top of it next to Gabrielle.

XENA

Yeah. Do I look that cheap?

Gabrielle looks at her.

XENA

(cont’d)

Don't say it if you

want to live, bard.

GABRIELLE

Well, he is the big shot merchant.

I'm sure the rest of the people

aren't like that, Xena.

There is a knock on the door. Xena and Gabrielle exchange looks. There is another knock, this time slightly different, and on the other door to the room. Gabrielle pulls her head back inside the curtains and shuts them. Xena crosses her arms. There are more knocks. Even more knocks follow. Xena gets up and stalks towards the door.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROYAL RESIDENCE - SMALL GARDEN OUTSIDE SLEEPING QUARTERS

Xena is sitting in the garden. The garden is a lovely peaceful place, with chirping birds and winding ivy everywhere. In the center, there is a reflecting pool with small goldfish, and a bench, which Xena is seated on.

XENA

Son of a Bacchae.

A knock comes at the garden gate. Xena whirls and picks up a rock, cocking her arm back and waiting. The gate opens slowly, and she chucks the rock.

It is Gabrielle who is entering. Xena starts to yell a warning, but Gabrielle evades the rock easily, as though she knew where it was going to be, and lets it fly past her out the gate. A yell of pain is heard. Gabrielle closes the gate and enters.

GABRIELLE

Xena, these people

are in real trouble.

XENA

They sure are going to be.

Gabrielle comes over and they both sit down on the bench.

XENA

(cont’d)

I've had every damn man,

woman and child in this town

trying to buy me off and

it's not even lunchtime.

GABRIELLE

Tell me about it. I don't

want to mention what I've

been offered to influence

you. I could retire on it.

Xena looks at Gabrielle, reacting to the last statement.

XENA

You considering it?

Gabrielle is highly insulted, thinking Xena is referring to the first statement.

GABRIELLE

What? Xena, I don't think I've

gotten *that* jaded even with

hanging around you for this long.

Xena looks at Gabrielle in surprise.

XENA

What? Hades, Gabrielle,

even I've thought about it.

Gabrielle opens her mouth to shoot back a zinger, then pauses.

GABRIELLE

Wait a minute. What

are we talking about?

XENA

WHAT? What do you

think we're talking about?

GABRIELLE

Taking bribes!

Xena appears perplexed, then she shakes her head and covers her eyes with one hand.

XENA

Never mind. Let's just go get

this judging over with. I'm gonna

tell every one of these rich

bastards they lost, and have

‘em give their damn bribes

to the guys they cheated.

Xena starts to get up. Gabrielle grabs her by the back of the dress and holds on. Xena stops.

GABRIELLE

Wait a minute.

Xena turns and does a hands-on-hips pose, particularly effective since she is dressed in a gown with a very full skirt.

XENA

What?

GABRIELLE

Xena, it's too easy.

XENA

Exactly.

GABRIELLE

No... I mean, yes. That will fix

the problem this year, but

what about next year?

XENA

We won't be here.

GABRIELLE

Xena.

Xena lets out an exasperated sigh, but she turns and sits down next to Gabrielle again.

XENA

Okay. You got

a better idea?

Gabrielle leans back on her hands, and crosses her ankles. She looks around the garden.

GABRIELLE

You know, it's

really pretty here.

Xena rolls her eyes.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

It's amazing how much

effort these people

put into this sham.

Xena grunts and shrugs her shoulders.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

We should find ways to solve

the cases that make people

change their thinking, Xena.

Let's see if we can make a

lasting difference to them.

XENA

Gabrielle, they're a pack of

sniveling jackasses. They

don't deserve to have

us make a difference.

Gabrielle makes a face, conceding the point.

GABRIELLE

Well, no, but I’d feel better

if we tried, at least.

XENA

It'd be faster if I just

kicked their ass.

GABRIELLE

I know. It'd be faster if *I*

kicked their asses. I'd like to

walk a different path with this one.

Xena is quiet for a minute, as she thinks about Gabrielle's words.

XENA

(nodding)

All right. C'mon. Let's go

hold court, consort.

Gabrielle gets up and joins her.

GABRIELLE

I thought court started

after lunch?

XENA

It's my court, and I'll

start it when I want to.

They leave the garden, slamming the gate shut behind them.

CUT TO:

INT. INN - DAY

Malcos is sitting at a table with two other men. It is the same men from the previous night.

MALCOS

I tell you, she'll ruin us. Ruin!

SHADOW 1

So what are you gonna do

about it? Or are you all

talk, like the rest of em?

SHADOW 2

It's your fortune, Malcos. If

you lose that case, you lose

it all. That kid'll take your

store, your lands....

MALCOS

Shut up. Don't you

think I know that?

(looking around)

Here.

He puts bag on table.

MALCOS

(cont’d)

I know I can trust you to

take care of it for me.

Shadow 1 takes the bag and hefts it. He nods, and tosses it to Shadow 2.

SHADOW 1

Don't you worry. We'll take

care of her, all right.

MALCOS

Both of them! No cheating me!

SHADOW 2

Yeah, yeah, that's what

he meant. C'mon, let's go.

The two men leave. Malcos looks around at the almost empty inn, checking to see if they were overheard. The door opens, and Escobar enters.

ESCOBAR

There you are! Hurry and get

ready. The court is starting!

MALCOS

What? It's too early!

ESCOBAR

Tell her Majesty that.

Escobar leaves, slamming the door behind him. Malcos gets up and runs after him, cursing.

CUT TO:

INT. TOWN HALL - DAY

Xena sits up on the judging platform in a large chair. Gabrielle sits next to her. In front of them, the townsfolk are rushing around trying to get the courtroom in order much earlier than they expected.

Two men come running in, with a railing. They put it up between the last bench in the room, and the door, sectioning the room in two.

XENA

(under her breath)

Wonder what that's for?

GABRIELLE

Maybe the people with cases sit,

and everyone else stands?

Townsfolk begin to file in. As they reach the railing, Escobar either passes them inside the sit down, or points to a spot beyond the rail.

XENA

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Gabrielle turns her head and looks at Xena.

GABRIELLE

No, I'm not.

Xena is puzzled. She looks back at Gabrielle.

XENA

What?

GABRIELLE

Thinking of retiring.

Xena stares at Gabrielle, then remembers what she's talking about.

XENA

Ah. Yeah. Good.

(nodding)

Good.

GABRIELLE

Mm.

The room is filling up. The townsfolk shuffle into place, some bearing evidence of very hasty dress. They all look a bit disgruntled. One of the men near the front was one of the ones who had tried to buy off Xena and Gabrielle, and now he sits down in the front, in a frilly shirt, full of indignation.

MAN

Escobar, this is outrageous!

How can you change the

tradition at such late notice!

Escobar grimaces, and glances up at Xena. Xena smiles charmingly at him. Behind the platform, two cloaked figures can be seen creeping up on the judges.

ESCOBAR

Now, now. A little change is always

good for the soul, Essen. Besides,

maybe we can get done early!

Essen snorts. Malcos enters and sweeps through the crowd, pushing others aside. Xena's eyes narrow, especially when he shoves a young child to the ground in his haste to get to the front.

GABRIELLE

Xena?

XENA

Yeah?

GABRIELLE

Remember that whole

thing about ass kicking?

XENA

(sighing)

Yes.

GABRIELLE

You know that old saying

about an exception that

proves the rule true?

Xena chuckles. Behind them, the cloaked figures get closer and closer. There is a lot of noise in the room, scraping benches and talking. No one seems to notice the two men crawling on the floor. They are hidden behind the judging bench.

XENA

(loudly)

All right. This is how this is gonna

work, so listen close cause I don't

want to say it more than once.

Gabrielle smiles, and pats Xena's hand.

GABRIELLE

You have such a

regal air sometimes.

The shadows creep closer.

XENA

You...

She points at Escobar.

XENA
(cont’d)

Call up everyone with a

complaint, and read

what the gripe is.

ESCOBAR

But... but.... Your majesty, it is

customary for the plaintiff and

the defendant to come up and....

XENA

And explain why I

should vote for them?

ESCOBAR

Yes.

XENA

Forget it. Start reading.

Once you stop, I'll let you

know what my choice is.

ESCOBAR

But.... Don't you want to

hear their sides of it?

XENA

No.

GABRIELLE

(softly)

Xena.

Xena looks at her. Gabrielle gives Xena a poke in the ribs.

XENA

Oh, all right. But they

better keep it short.

(pausing)

I like short things.

Gabrielle grins and gives her another poke.  Behind them, unseen by the crowd, the cloaked men rise up in their knees. They are holding a huge crossbow with two bolts in it together. Each bolt is pointed in a slightly different direction, obviously meant for Xena and Gabrielle.

XENA

(cont’d)

So let's get started.

The crowd is not happy. Or at least, half the crowd is not happy. The other half, the poor half most of whom are stuck behind the bar seem a little excited.

MALCOS

(dourly)

Yes, let's get started.

The men in the shadows cock their crossbow and raise it.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR