ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. WOODS – MORNING

A YOUNG BOY of no more than ten stands in the woods.  He has a cocked bow in his hands and is just about to release another arrow blindly ahead.

As he releases the string, one hand clamps hard on his shoulder, and the other deftly catches the arrow as it shoots from the bow.

Gulping, the boy looks up into icy blue eyes.

XENA

Didn’t your mother ever teach

you not to play with weapons?

A rustling in the bushes produces a tall, attractive woman.  Dressed immaculately, her blonde hair is perfectly coiffed, and she wears a strand of pearls around her neck. 

JUNOS

Castor!  Where... oh, there you are!

Your father and I were worried sick

about you!  Oh, and look!  You’ve

found some friends. Isn’t that nice?

(beat)

Weardus!  Weardus, come look.

I’ve found Castor and he’s

made himself new friends!

A tall, stern looking man approaches the group, followed by a gangly teen-aged boy.

WEARDUS

Now Castor, what have

I told you about running....

He notices Xena and Gabrielle.

WEARDUS

(cont’d)

Oh. Hello.

The teenaged boy comes to a dead stop as he sights Xena and Gabrielle.  He draws himself up to his full, inconsiderable height as a broad smile creases his face.

WALLIUS

(voice cracking)

Golly, Castor, you

sure can pick ‘em!

Weardus turns on his son.

WEARDUS

Now, Wallius, I’ve warned

you about oogling women.

WALLIUS

Gosh, Dad!  I wasn’t oogling

them!  I was just being friendly!

GABRIELLE

(hesitantly)

Um, excuse me?

WEARDUS

Regardless, I will not have that

sort of behavior in my house.

Now go to your room.

WALLIUS

Jeepers, Dad!  We’re in the

middle of a forest! I

don’t have a room!

GABRIELLE

(louder)

Excuse me!

WEARDUS

Wallius....

JUNOS

Weardus, don’t you think you’re

being a little hard on the boy?

After all, it isn’t every day

that we have too such....

She carefully looks over Xena and Gabrielle.

JUNOS

(cont’d)

…imposing guests visiting us.

WEARDUS

Now Junos, I’m responsible for the

discipline in this family. And if....

A piercing whistle interrupts the family tiff.  The group freezes, looking at Xena through wide eyes.

Clearing her throat, Gabrielle puts on her brightest smile and steps forward.

GABRIELLE

Thanks.

(beat)

Now, we were just trying to

make sure that your son....

She eyes the boy in question.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Castor, is it?

Castor nods frantically, still within Xena’s hard grip.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Castor knew not to shoot without

knowing what he was shooting at.

Red faced, Weardus stalks over to Gabrielle and begins waggling his finger in her face.

WEARDUS

Now see here, young... lady.

I’ll have you know that my

son knows exactly... ow!

Xena has his finger in a tight grip while still holding onto Castor.

XENA

Now that’s not very nice.

WEARDUS

Unhand me, you... you...

you... rapscallion!

Xena and Gabrielle look at one another.

GABRIELLE

(mouthing)

Rapscallion?

Unhanding father and son, Xena pulls the arrow from her bodice and shows it to both of them.

XENA

This....

She indicates the arrow.

XENA

(cont’d)

... is not a toy.

She whips the arrow into a nearby tree, burying it shaft deep into the trunk.  The feathered tail thrums madly with the force of her throw.

XENA

(cont’d)

Got me?

Everyone including Gabrielle, nods.

XENA

(cont’d)

Good.

Weardus looks as if to speak, but is stopped by a gentle finger against his lips.

GABRIELLE

I wouldn’t.

His eyes widen.

She shakes her head.

He nods, reluctantly.

XENA

Gabrielle.

Gabrielle smiles.

GABRIELLE

We’re… just… gonna head out

now.  Nice to have met you all.

As they leave, the family gathers into a tight knot.  The boys’ heads are pressed into their parents’ chests, eyes averted as if Xena and Gabrielle will turn them to stone with just a look.

Once safely out of sight, a stern voice drifts through the trees.

WEARDUS

Maybe you two should spend

some time at Aphrodite’s

temple!  Maybe then you’ll

learn some manners.

GABRIELLE

(to Xena)

Manners?  Aphrodite?

XENA

Boy, has he got the

wrong goddess.

Chuckling, Gabrielle casually threads an arm through Xena’s.

GABRIELLE

Maybe he’s got the

right idea, though.

Xena looks down at her, eyes wide.

XENA

Are you saying I don’t

have manners?

Gabrielle smirks.

GABRIELLE

Well....

Xena’s eyes narrow.  Gabrielle swats lightly at her.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

I meant visiting Aphrodite, silly.

It’s been a few since we saw her

last, and with everything that went

on with Ares, I’d like to see how

she’s doing.  I mean she seemed

like her usual Aphrodite self,

but.... I just need to know.

Xena pretends to think about it.

XENA

I suppose we could

squeeze a visit into our

already hectic schedule.

GABRIELLE

(smirking)

You’re a true princess

among warriors.

Xena gives a mock curtsey.

XENA

(blithely)

Thank you.  I do try.

CUT TO:

EXT. APHRODITE’S TEMPLE - DAY

From the outside, the temple looks normal.  Of medium size, it is made up of white marble and is distinctly feminine, as befits the goddess it honors.

A few steps from the entrance, Gabrielle stops dead.  Her face is screwed up in an expression of extreme distaste.

GABRIELLE

What is that smell?!?

XENA

Don’t look at me.

GABRIELLE

I’m serious, Xena. It

stinks like rotting fish!

(beat)

No comments from

the peanut gallery.

XENA

Not a word.

CUT TO:

INT. APHRODITE’S TEMPLE - DAY

Resisting the impulse to hold their noses, both women step into the temple.  The interior looks like a cyclone has hit it.  Broken statues and furniture litter the floor space.  Gifts left for Aphrodite are rotting on the altar, casting a stench that lingers over everything like a pall. 

GABRIELLE

(softly)

What happened?

XENA

Only one way to find

out.  Aphrodite!

A long moment of silence.

XENA

(cont’d)

Aphrodite!!

A moment later, Aphrodite pops in with a blast of pink sparkles.

APHRODITE

(heartily)

Well, if it isn’t my favorite

girl group!  What’s the

haps, ladies?

She appears to be moving to a beat only she can hear. Her body sways in constant motion, and her fingers, perched on her hips, constantly drum.

GABRIELLE

(uncertainly)

Are you all right?

APHRODITE

(laughing)

Moi?  Absolute perfection, as

always.  Why wouldn’t I be?

Gabrielle exchanges a quick glance with Xena

GABRIELLE

No reason... I guess.

(beat)

What’s up with this temple?

Aphrodite looks around. Shrugs.

APHRODITE

I’m a busy Goddess, Gab.

Places to see, people to

do.  You know how it is.

GABRIELLE

Aphrodite, I’ve seen you almost

come unglued if there’s even a

mote of dust on one of your altars.

APHRODITE

Things change, ya know?

Like I said....

GABRIELLE

You’re a busy Goddess.

APHRODITE

Exactly! Speaking of which, how

come you called me out of an

absolutely rockin’ party, ladies?

You guys need help from the

loooove goddess, hmm?  No

troubles in paradise, I hope.

Xena rolls her eyes.  Gabrielle blushes slightly.  Aphrodite smirks.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

Didn’t think so.

So… what’s up?

GABRIELLE

(offhandedly)

Oh, nothing much.  We were

just, you know, in the area

and decided to stop by and

see how you were doing.

APHRODITE

Awww.  That is so sweet!

(beat)

But you guys don’t have to check

up on me.  As you can see, I’m

groovin’ along, just like always.

So... bye-bye now. Hope you

have fun on your little adventures!

GABRIELLE

Aphrodite, wait!

APHRODITE

Yesssss?

GABRIELLE

(impulsively)

Why don’t you come with us?

Xena looks at Gabrielle as if she’s just grown a third head.  Even Aphrodite’s eyes go wide with shock.

APHRODITE

Excuse me?

GABRIELLE

Come with us!  Xena says

there’s some warlord trouble

in the next town over.  We’re

heading over there to check it out.

Aphrodite looks over at Xena.

APHRODITE

You been giving her the spiked

nutbread again, haven’t you?

GABRIELLE

I’m serious!

APHRODITE

Hel-lo little bardling, it’s me…

the Goddess of Love?  Why

would I want to set one gorgeous

foot inside a war zone?

GABRIELLE

I wouldn’t exactly call it a war zone.

Besides, you’re still a goddess,

right?  If there’s any trouble....

Gabrielle snaps her fingers

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

You just... poof!

APHRODITE

Poof?

GABRIELLE

Poof.  C’mon.

It’ll be interesting.

APHRODITE

Your idea of interesting and

my idea of interesting are

like totally far apart, Gab.

GABRIELLE

Yeah, but at least it’ll be something

different from all those parties

you say you’re having.

APHRODITE

And that’s a good

thing because....?

GABRIELLE

Please?

Gabrielle looks at Aphrodite.

Aphrodite looks back at Gabrielle.

Xena looks like she wants to kill something.

Gabrielle continues to look at Aphrodite.

Aphrodite continues to look back at Gabrielle.

Finally, Aphrodite sighs.

APHRODITE

Fine.  I’ll go on your little

adventure with you, all right?

GABRIELLE

(beaming)

Great!

APHRODITE

Ok, then, let’s get this show on

the road, ladies.  I meet with

my masseuse in a few hours.

Real talented hands, if you

know what I mean.

GABRIELLE

Aphrodite, you can’t

come with us in that!

APHRODITE

Why’s that?  This is

sheer perfection!

XENA

Perfect for starting

a riot, maybe.

APHRODITE

Well, I am the goddess

of love, Xena.  Love

riots are my thing.

GABRIELLE

Maybe you could try

something a little

more... sedate?

APHRODITE

Sedate?

Gabrielle nods.

Aphrodite frowns.

APHRODITE

Fine.

With a snap of her fingers, she poofs away to return a second later sporting a much more sedate, yet still eye-popping, ensemble.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

Better?

Xena sighs.

XENA

It’ll do.

APHRODITE

Groovy!  So, where’s this town

thingie that we’re headed to?

Just give me the directions and

I’ll pop us right there in a flash!

XENA

Oh no.  No popping.

(beat, to Gabrielle)

No poofing.

(beat, to Aphrodite)

Walking.  That’s how we get there.

Good, old-fashioned walking.

APHRODITE

Walking?!?  Nobody told me

about walking when I signed

up for this gig of yours.

Goddesses don’t walk, Xena.

XENA

If they want to go anywhere

with us, they do.

Aphrodite heaves a dramatic sigh.

APHRODITE

Oh, fine.  Lead the way,

warrior babe.  I can

struggle along.

(beat)

For now.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO