ACT THREE

FADE IN:

EXT. HOUSE OF THE THREE BEARS - MORNING

The sun is shining brightly from a brilliant blue sky.  Xena and Gabrielle stand in front of the abandoned house, looking over the land.

GABRIELLE

Well, that certainly was an

adventure I’d rather not repeat.

XENA

At least we got a good

night’s sleep outta the deal.

GABRIELLE

True.  I was thinking...

maybe we should split up.

Just for a little while.

XENA

I don’t think....

GABRIELLE

Think about it, Xena.  We could

question twice as many people

and maybe find a way to get out

of here twice as quickly.  It’s a

little crazy around here, but it

doesn’t seem that dangerous.

XENA

And who was chasing us

through the woods last night?

GABRIELLE

Please.  Those guards couldn’t find

their way around an outhouse with

a candle and a map.  Admit it.

My plan makes sense.

Xena grumbles.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

C’mon.  Please?

Just for a little while?

XENA

Ok, fine.  We’ll meet at that

tower over there in an hour.

And if you get into any trouble....

GABRIELLE

Run.  I know.

See you in an hour.

They embrace quickly, then depart, each going a different way.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS - DAY

Gabrielle is walking through a quiet wood when she hears the sound of soft crying just ahead.  Following the sound, she spies a young girl wearing a red cloak sitting on a stone bench just at the edge of the wood.  The young girl has a basket next to her, and she is crying softly into her hands.

GABRIELLE

(softly)

Are you okay?

The girl startles, and looks up.

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

Oh!  You frightened me!

GABRIELLE

I’m sorry.   You look pretty

sad.  Is something wrong?

Li’l Red Riding Cloak sniffles, and lifts her basket.

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

I... um... I was supposed to bring this

to gramma.  It’s food and stuff.

Mama couldn’t come on account

of she was talkin’ to the baker.

Gramma’s real old and she

doesn’t get out much anymore.

GABRIELLE

Well, that’s a very nice thing for you

to do.  Did someone scare you?

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

Yes.

GABRIELLE

Who?

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

Gramma!

GABRIELLE

Oh, my.

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

Yeah!  I went to see her, and... and...

she had these really big hairy ears!

And big shiny eyes, and a real long

nose, and... and... big teeth!  And a real

growwwwwly voice. And her breath!

(sotto voce)

P.U!!

Gabrielle tries very hard to hold in her laughter over the young girl’s description.  Finally, she is able to put on a somber face.

GABRIELLE

You haven’t seen your

gramma in a while, huh?

The girl shakes her head.

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

No. Not for ever and ever.

Mama always brings her her food.

I stay home with my little sister.

GABRIELLE

Well, sometimes, when we haven’t

seen a person in a long time, especially

if that person is getting older, it

looks like their face kind of changes.

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

Really?

GABRIELLE

Really.  And sometimes those

changes scare us, because we’re

used to seeing someone the

way we remember them.

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

Oh!  You mean like when my daddy

went away looking all short and fat

and bald, and then he came back

and he was real tall and hairy and

handsome?  Mama even said we

should call him our new Daddy!

GABRIELLE

Uh... yeah... sorta.  But anyway,

people like your gramma don’t mean

to scare you.  In fact, I bet she’s

pretty sad right now, thinking she

chased you off and that she’ll

never get to see you again.

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

Really?

GABRIELLE

Yes.  And I’ll bet she was really

looking forward to seeing you

today.  I bet you’ve grown a lot

since you last met, huh?

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

Well, she did smile real big... with

all those big teeth.  And I’ve grown

a whole lot since the last time she

came over. Maybe she was as

scared of me as I was of her, huh?

GABRIELLE

You know, you could be right.

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

So, maybe I should...

go back there?

Gabrielle smiles.

GABRIELLE

That sounds like a great idea.

I’m sure she’ll be very happy

to see you, don’t you?

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

I guess so.

Li’l Red Riding Cloak jumps off the bench and hefts her basket to her chest.

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

(cont’d)

Ok, I’m going back.

Thank you, lady!

GABRIELLE

You’re welcome.

Have fun, ok?

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

I will!

Gabrielle watches as the little girl skips through the woods, and runs into a tiny house at the edge.

LI’L RED RIDING CLOAK

(cont’d, off camera)

Gramma!  Gramma!  I came

back!  I’m not scared anymore!

GRAMMA

(off camera)

Grrrrrrroowwwwwwlllll.

GABRIELLE

Wow.  She was right

about the voice.

Dusting off her hands, Gabrielle stands up and turns to walk back the way she came, whistling a jaunty little tune.

CUT TO:

EXT. CLEARING - DAY

Xena walks into a clearing where two houses, one made of straw, the other of sticks, stand.  Nearby, a house of bricks is slowly being constructed.  Standing outside of the houses are three little pigs who are arguing with one another.

One of the little pigs spies Xena and runs over to her, arms akimbo.

FIRST LITTLE PIG

Hey!  We were wondering if

you could settle something for us.

If Xena is surprised by a talking pig, she doesn’t show it.

XENA

Sure.  What’s the problem?

As they walk back to the other two, the first pig explains.

FIRST LITTLE PIG

It’s like this, see.  There’s a big bad

wolf around these parts, and he’s

threatened to huff and puff and

blow our houses in.  Of course,

we’ve told him not by the hair of

our chinny chin chins, but he doesn’t

wanna listen, the old blow hard.

SECOND LITTLE PIG

So anyway, we were out here arguing

about the best kind of house to build

to keep the wolf from huffing and puffing.

I bet straw.  My brother bet sticks,

and the idiot over there insists on

bricks.  So, what do you think?

Xena looks over the area carefully.

XENA

First off, wolves, big and bad or not,

don’t huff, they don’t puff, and they

certainly don’t blow houses in, no

matter what they’re made of.

FIRST LITTLE PIG

See?  Told ya, Elmer.

THIRD LITTLE PIG (ELMER)

Harrumph.

XENA

Secondly, see this?

She points with her toe to a very long furrow running beneath Elmer’s foundation.

ELMER

Yeah?  What of it?

XENA

It’s a fault line.

SECOND LITTLE PIG

What’s a fault line?

XENA

Ever hear of an earthquake?

FIRST LITTLE PIG

Yeah!  One of those happens,

and we’re bacon for sure!

XENA

Right. If that fault line opens up and

you’re in this house, you’re gonna be

crushed under the weight of all those

bricks. Me, I’d pick the stick house.

It’s well constructed and strong

enough to keep a wolf from

charging in and snatchin’ you up.

ELMER

Do you really think so?

XENA

I do.

Elmer sighs and lays his trowel down.

ELMER

All right.  I guess it’s the

stick house, then.

You win, Petunia.

Petunia squeals with joy.

FIRST LITTLE PIG

Thank you, Miss.

You saved us a whole

lot of trouble, you did.

XENA

You’re welcome.  Oh yeah.

Do you know the fastest

way to get out of here?

The three little pigs look at one another.

PETUNIA

No, but you could ask Rapunzel.

She’s been up in that tower

since, like, forever.  If anyone

knows, she would!

XENA

Rapunzel, huh?

ELMER

Yup.  Right in that tower

over yonder.  You can’t miss her.

XENA

All right, then.  Thank you.

FIRST LITTLE PIG

No!  Thank you!

XENA

Good luck with

your wolf problem.

THREE LITTLE PIGS

Thanks!!

CUT TO:

EXT. TOWER - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle have caught up to one another and now stand outside a very tall, very narrow tower.  In the very top of the tower sits a beautiful young woman with red hair.  A lot of red hair.  So much red hair, in fact, that it has filled the room and is sticking out of the many windows that circle the room.

RAPUNZEL

Yoo hoo!  Yoo hoo!  Are you

the prince who is supposed to

rescue me from this stupid tower?

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other, then down at themselves, then back up at the woman in the tower.

GABRIELLE

Uh... no?

RAPUNZEL

Drat.  Well, I just hope he gets his

princely butt over here soon!  This

blasted hair is about to strangle me!

XENA

Why don’t you just cut it off?

RAPUNZEL

What?!

XENA

Cut it off!  That way it won’t

bother you anymore.

Rapunzel thinks on that a moment.  She smiles.

RAPUNZEL

Ya know, that’s not a half

bad idea!  You sure you’re

not the prince?

XENA AND GABRIELLE

Positive!

Rapunzel digs out a pair of scissors from somewhere and within moments, all of her hair is hacked off.

RAPUNZEL

Phew!  That’s a load off!

Dang stuff was giving

my neck such a crick!

GABRIELLE

That’s great!  We were wondering

if you might be able to tell

us the way to get out of....

The sound of a fast moving horse cuts off the rest of her question.  A dashing prince atop a blazing steed thunders up to the tower and stops.  The prince jumps off.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Say, isn’t that the same...?

XENA

Looks like it.

PRINCE

(to Rapunzel)

There you are, my one true love!

I’ve been looking all over for you!

I, the prince, will free you from

your horrible imprisonment!

RAPUNZEL

Oh yeah?  How?

The prince digs into his saddlebag and comes out with a scroll, which he unrolls with a flourish.

PRINCE

<ahem> Rapunzel, Rapunzel,

let down your hair!

Rapunzel looks at him askance, then shrugs.

RAPUNZEL

Ok. If that’s what you want.

Gathering all of the hair she’s cut off, Rapunzel shoves it out the window, where it falls straight down on top of the prince and his horse.

PRINCE

Flooooomph!

Xena and Gabrielle both wince.

GABRIELLE

Somehow, I don’t think it was

supposed to happen that way.

XENA

Mm.

Suddenly, a dragon flies into the picture and with one heave of its fiery breath, lights the huge pile of hair on fire, exposing the prince and his steed…slightly charred.  The horse gets up and gallops away.  The prince, shaking his fist at Xena and Gabrielle, limps quickly off in the direction of his wildly fleeing horse.

GABRIELLE

(to Rapunzel)

Sorry about that.

RAPUNZEL

Eh.  Ya win some, ya lose some.

He looked kinda flaky anyway.

GABRIELLE

Do you know of a way

for us to get out of here?

RAPUNZEL

Nope.  But if you keep going

south on this road here, it’ll take

you to another castle.  Buncha

mapmakers live there.  They

should be able to help you

out if no one else can.

GABRIELLE

Thank you!

RAPUNZEL

No problem. Hey!  If you run

into any more princes along the

way, send ‘em my way, will ya?

GABRIELLE

Sure will!  Bye!

RAPUNZEL

Take it easy!

(sotto voce)

‘Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let

down your hair’.  What a

load of rubbish that was!

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR