ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

INT. STAGE ROOM – DAY

Gabrielle laughs, nearly giving everything away when she finally finds Xena in the audience.  And since every hand in the place is up, she feels guilty and decides that Xena can wait while she answers one real question.

GABRIELLE

Down in front there.

In the red tunic.

A woman stands up, folding her hands in front of her as she appraises Gabrielle.

WOMAN

Will you please settle

a raging debate?

GABRIELLE

If I can.

WOMAN

Xena and Ares....

GABRIELLE

Okay, stop right there.  I know

where this is going and just let

me say, she likes what I do.

The audience roars with laughter and the woman does not look pleased.

WOMAN

But in your scrolls you write of

Xena and Ares’ relationship. How

can she like what you do if she’s

obviously in love with Ares?

A coughing sound from the section where Xena is sitting, once again nearly trips Gabrielle up.

GABRIELLE

Ares understood Xena when she

was struggling with her path in life,

but he also manipulated her and you

can’t have love based on manipulation.

I personally think there was some

mutual respect. But Xena never

has and never will love Ares.

Turing away from the woman in the front Gabrielle picks on a young boy on the right side of the room.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Do you have a question?

The boy looks like he’s about to faint, but he stands up and Gabrielle can tell he’s shaking.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

It’s okay. I don’t bite.

BOY

Can I give you a kiss?

This makes her laugh as she steps down off the edge of the stage.

GABRIELLE

Sure. C’mere.

To the delight of the audience Gabrielle puts her arms around him, giving him a kiss on the cheek and a hug.  The room responds appropriately with a chorus of ‘awwwww’. Gabrielle takes the time to talk quietly with him before he returns to his seat and she goes back up on stage.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d, turning to ‘Anthrax’)

How about you?

Very straight faced, thumbs looped in belt, looking like she might spit at any moment, Xena stands. The audience still hasn’t bought a clue.

XENA

Can you tell me what

it’s like to kiss Xena?

GABRIELLE

Come up here

and I’ll show ya.

From somewhere in the back someone shouts “It’s Xena!” The game is on now as Xena moves through the crowd and takes the stage with Gabrielle. Every person in the room rises to their feet in a deafening roar of approval and applause.

They have to wait for several beats before the room quiets enough for them to continue. They are amused and laughing with the room as everyone begins to settle down.

Gabrielle turns to Xena.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

I believe I promised

you a kiss.

There is absolute silence in the room. You could hear the proverbial pin drop.

Leaning over, Xena takes Gabrielle’s face tenderly in her hands and kisses her. From somewhere in the back of the room is a noise that sounds suspiciously like someone fainting.

The woman in the red tunic down front gets up from her seat and marches over to the door. The security there isn’t going to let her leave until Xena gestures from the stage.

XENA

Oh, just ship her

the hell out of here.

They open the door and she leaves.

XENA

(cont’d, to audience)

Ares? Give me a break.

Gabrielle reaches for ‘Anthrax’s’ mustache.

GABRIELLE

Let’s get you out of that.

XENA

You’re asking me

to break character.

GABRIELLE

Yes I am. Here

let me help you.

The crowd rumbles quietly as Gabrielle takes the hat off Xena’s head and runs her fingers through Xena’s hair, freeing it from the knot it had been in under the hat.  Xena gingerly removes the mustache and patch of hair at her chin.

GABRIELLE

That’s better.

(to audience)

Isn’t that better?

Gabrielle gestures to the people once again standing and applauding.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d, to Xena)

See?

XENA

Was I arguing?

A second stool is brought up on stage and Xena takes it, placing it down next to Gabrielle’s stool.

XENA

(cont’d, to Gabrielle)

You do this really well. We should

come to these things more often.

Everyone in the room agrees…loudly.

XENA

(cont’d)

You know, Gabrielle and I travel so

much, it’s hard to tell where we’ll be

next year, but if we can stop by, we

will. Since Kadmus has made such

a generous offer we really should

come by to support his effort.

This has Kadmus’ attention and he moves forward toward the stage.

GABRIELLE

That’s right.  I think you all will be

pleased to know that Kadmus has

agreed to donate thirty percent of his

profits to a charity that you all choose.

Kadmus looks like he wants to die on the spot... the spot that Xena and Gabrielle have so expertly put him on.

XENA

Come up here. Let the folks see

what a generous guy you are.

It’s as if Xena’s stare has a magnetic pull on him, forcing his feet to move even as he’s trying to will them to go the other direction. Putting on a brave face, he joins them on stage and finds himself between Xena and Gabrielle, who have holds in a couple discreet places on his body that he is pretty sure could be lethal.

KADMUS

Yes, yes, Xena is right.  They’ve

given so much to us it’s time for

us to give something back. We’ll

be setting up a table out in the hall

where you can drop off your

suggestion for the charity.

GABRIELLE

And this isn’t just for this year;

he’s going to do it every

year you all get together.

XENA

And when we’re in the area,

we’ll stop by to help out.

The crowd is on their feet on last time and we....

FADE TO:

EXT. CAMP – EVENING

Xena is lying with her head on a pile of blankets, playing some kind of game with a string.  Gabrielle is looking down at a scroll, but she’s not writing.  She’s contemplating, which actions that include humming, tapping her foot and scratching the side of her face with the feather end of the quill.

GABRIELLE

I think I’m going to call

this one, The Sting.

XENA

Good one. He wasn’t

expecting that.

GABRIELLE

Speaking of expecting...

where’s Autolycus?

XENA

He’ll be here.

GABRIELLE

Xena if he succeeded....

XENA

He’ll be here. He knows

we know where he lives.

GABRIELLE

True.

A beat later, several sets of feet can be heard coming through the trees. The sounds stop just short of the camp.

AUTOLYCUS

(off camera)

Are you decent?

XENA

Yes, come on in.

Autolycus, followed by Kazia and about a half a dozen others from the symposium come into the camp. After saying hello and shaking hands with Xena and Gabrielle, they all take seats around the fire.

Autolycus drops a larger bag of dinars at Xena’s side.

AUTOLYCUS

There’s about ten thousand there.

It’s what I could lay my hand

on while you were on stage.

XENA

You haven’t lost your touch.

AUTOLYCUS

With you two acting as

decoys, I couldn’t lose.

KAZIA

You should have seen Kadmus

running around looking for that

money. That was worth the price

of admission.  So what are you

two going to do with all that?

XENA

Nothing. You’re going to take it and

give it out to as many people you

can who attended that thing.  We

know it won’t cover everyone,

but it’s a nice start.

KAZIA

And again this is…

KAZIA & XENA

... why we love you.

XENA

(cont’d)

Yeah we know. Just get as

much of it back as you can.

KAZIA

I will I promise.

(to Gabrielle)

Umm... we were wondering is....

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT FOUR

TAG

FADE IN:

EXT. ROAD – DAY

Xena is walking slowly, leading Argo. Gabrielle is walking slowly behind her, engrossed in a scroll.

GABRIELLE

This is just twisted.

XENA

Oh come on Gabrielle. You know

what they say; imitation is the

sincerest form of flattery.

GABRIELLE

Xena, look at this.

Xena stops, Gabrielle takes the scroll over and points to a section.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Is that even possible?

Xena reads the scroll, considers it and smiles before turning to walk on.

XENA

It would be if I

had three hands.

GABRIELLE

Xena!

FADE OUT.
 

DISCLAIMER

No fans were harmed during the making of
this motion picture.  We swear. Really.