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From: "P.D. and  Evie"

 (snipped)

 I do believe that I have spent a great amount of my life looking for something.  Is it peace, happiness, ultimate love or understanding - my soul mate to make me complete?  I don't know.  I feel my partner PD does complete me in many ways.  Is she my soul mate or a kindred spirit?  I'm not sure.  I know that I can't  imagine my life without her.  She is my rock.  We are best friends.  We love each other deeply.  We fight, we laugh, we cry, we struggle together to get through the day to day realities of life.  My world would be much emptier without her.  I felt alone in my journey through life and not adequately prepared to face all the trials and tribulations it presented.  After meeting PD, those trials are easier, and there is nothing we can't face together.  My heart feels whole.  I am at peace in many ways -
and each day brings new challenges, new wonders, new dreams.

 By Gabrielle's definition in Prometheus, I would say we are soul mates in that I don't feel whole without PD, nor does she feel whole without me. Is that because we worked hard and continue to work hard to make things work, or because of a destiny unbeknownst to us?  Again, I don't know.

 I can tell you this.  I don't feel like I'm searching for something anymore.  I simply want to enjoy what I have, relish in the moments we have together, and look forward to each day to come.  I've never felt more connected to anyone in my life.

 Evie

I'm on a list called subtext_in_xena.
I've been here for over a year, when it first began.  Evie was always a voice I loved to listen to on the list - she had alot of interesting ideas about the characters and the writers and the fanbase; in fact, one of the last things she posted to the list a couple of days before her death were questions about XWP canon, and got a great iscussion going about the defining line between a writer's vision, the viewer's vision, and the boundary line of art.  ("XWP: Is It Art?")  This was just one of many, many enlightening moments she brought to our humble list, and she was one of the few I looked forward to hearing from.  She had an unmistakable creative and intellectual point of view.
.
. **************************
. Becky,
I want to thank you, Shary and LJ for all you've done and continue to do. Your thoughtfulness and caring is astonishing.  The numbness is still there and soon I fear it will go away, and all that will be left is a human tear. It's hard to think clearly, express myself clearly.  The on-line community has literally overwhelmed me with their love and compassion.  Messages have been printed and shared with Evie's friends and family.  I'm equally sure that while I've read the words I probably have not registered the heart behind them.  Everything seems to blur together.  Time.  It will take a lot of time.

 I spent most of today dealing with the realities of death.  Relatives are filtering in, friends are constantly present.  Evie's son is playing protector and peace giver trying to shield me from the pain.  Yet somehow, I feel compelled to come on-line late at night, when I'm alone in our room.  Messages from "virtual" friends and strangers keep coming in, people offering their support, well wishes, trying to absorb or deflect the pain.  It's somehow comforting to read the messages, feel the shared grief, yet not have to see the faces, hear the voices.  Attached but detached.  Alone, but connected.  The on-line community offers me a way to be alone with my grief yet know all I have to do is click a message to see that I and for that matter, no one is truly alone.  Surreal. A time to reflect, to feel, to remember.  It keeps the night away, it keeps the nightmare away.  It gives me solace.  It helps me see the child like smile in Evie's face again, as she read the mail and visited her haunts.

 I wanted to post something to your page.  I don't know if it's right - or  even the right time to do it.   I just know I need to say something, to let people see.  I trust you to review it and make it make sense.  As I said, I'm not thinking clearly now .  Hopefully, you can find the core in this mess and make it come out alright.  If it doesn't make sense, or you can't post it, it's okay too - do what's right for you.

 A drunk driver killed my partner of almost 20 years.  The driver was a teen-ager.  A 17 year old boy.  The night of the accident the boy's mother found me in the hospital.  She had learned of the accident and of her sons
 death.  She found out my partner had been hurt as well.  She walked up to me, a shell of a woman.  Distraught, heart broken, shaking and tearful she kept saying over and over how sorry she was, how she wished it never
 happened.  What can you do?  Your numb, your heart broken.  You reach out. You hug each other.  You cry together.

 Today, I received a call from the boy's pastor.  His mother asked him to call.  They want me to go to the boy's funeral.  It's tomorrow.  He explained that the mother wanted me to know that her son was not a bad
 boy.  That he made a mistake - a serious mistake.  She wanted me to see and hear that his heart was in the right place, see his friends, understand that it was an accident.  The pastor said it could help me start the healing process.

 One of the hardest things I've ever done was to take that call.  How could any rational human being expect me to go to the funeral of the one who killed my Evie.  This was insanity.  This was absurd.  Our son was outraged and angry.  My friends couldn't believe the audacity.

 I have spent much of the day and most of the night thinking about that call.  Thinking of the courage it took to make the request.  Thinking of the mother, who is just as heart broken as I am at this senseless mess. Precious lives have been lost.  My Evie is gone.  The mother probably isn't thinking clearly either.  Everything blurs together.

 As I think about Evie, who she was, what she believed, how she viewed the world, I asked myself what would she do, what would she say?  In normal circumstances, she would declare it a tragedy.  Her heart would go out to the family.  She would send a card, maybe some food - she would be Evie. Do whatever she could however she could to help.

 I don't know if I'm that strong, that benevolent.  I don't know if I have her courage, her faith.  She would say do what's in your heart.  Do the right thing.  She would say take care of yourself.  She would say let go of the anger, let go of the pain.  She would want me to forgive.

 It feels like it's too soon, too much.  I know the pain the mother is going through.  It has to be tearing her up inside.  I have prayed over this.  I will continue to pray.

 The hardest thing I may ever do is walk into that chapel tomorrow.  The hardest thing I may never do is not walk into that chapel.  Right now, I'm bone weary.  Tomorrow, another day will come.  More people, more decisions, more tears, more pain, more numbness.

 The hardest thing I have to do now is keep Evie's light shining, honor her, love her and remember what she stood for.  Evie believed in keeping the door open.  Forgiveness.  Celebrate life.  Celebrate love.  Respect others and do what you can to make life better, bring happiness into someone's life.

 Regardless of what I do, tomorrow family and friends will say good-bye and honor the memory of a young boy whose life ended too quickly.  A life that ended needlessly.  Grieve not only for Evie, but the young boy who died.
 The hardest thing to remember is he wasn't just a thing or an unknown face or a drunk on the road.  His light was extinguished too.  Other people's lives were devastated as well.

 The hardest thing I'll ever do is say good-bye to the one who took the most precious thing in my life away from me.  If not at his funeral, than at his graveside.  Later, when my heart can see straight.

 P.D

******

From: P.D. and Evie <wonder12@concentric.net>
Sent: Thursday, June 10, 1999 11:23 PM
Subject: Evie is at rest
 

 I shall stop bothering you, I promise.  Too much pain and tears.  It became a stark reality today.  No magic or second chances.  Evie is now in her final resting place on earth.

 Wishes, a Xena fan and poet was kind enough to allow me to use two of her poems at the services. The first one was read at Evie's funeral.  The second one was read at graveside.

 They say what I could not.  Fear of Love touches on our joint journey and accepting our love for each other.  It also reaches into a part of my heart, and shows some of the emotions hidden there.  Risk reminds us all to take the Risk to love.  Without love, we have never truly lived.  A beautiful reminder made poignant by the grave of one who dared to love and care.

 I know it's asking a lot, more than I should.   But I wondered if you could post the poems.  They could touch others. I'll understand if you can't, but I needed to ask.  As I said, I promise to stop asking and let you be, let it rest.

 P.D.

 ----------------------------------------

 Fear of Love

 When all I had to fear was love,
 I stalked the world alone.
 "My path's my path," I shouted.
 My heavy boots trod over
 any who would stand
 between me and my wants.
 When all I had to fear was love,
 death held no terror.
 I sometimes sought it,
 sometimes let it come my way;
 nothing to lose, nothing to gain.
 When all I had to fear was love,
 I didn't live, so could not die.
 I killed by word and glance.
 No one was real, not even me.
 But now?
 Now love is my companion,
 and I fear much.
 I've given to the world
 of men and gods a hostage.
 How can I handle fear--of harm to you,
 of endless separation,
 I who've feared but one thing?
 The fear of only love did not prepare me
 for fearing only this:
 the loss of love.

Wishes

 ========================

 Love and Risk

 Those who would dare love dare loss.
 There it is: a challenge or a curse.
 Love any mortal on the earth,
 And risk that final grief
 That binds together love and death.
 Or refuse to hazard love
 On those who move and breathe
 And who'll partake someday
 Of every creature's fate,
 And so choose a life completely safe. . . .
 From love, from loss,
 From all but emptiness.

 Wishes

.
******************************

 Evie -- I wish I could say I knew her. I didn't. I cried for her anyway.

I  read the bit someone else posted to this list, a bit Evie wrote about
finding a soulmate.  It was so beautifully worded... she sounded like a
shining soul. I wish I could say I knew her. I didn't. And now.... and
now, I will never have the chance.

 Gypsybard
.
.
**************************
. When a comrade falls, the world mourns the passing of a friend I knew you not, Evie, but you belonged to a large army with a common cause...bonded by phrases such as "battle on" and "the greater good".  You will be missed by those who knew you and called you friend and by those who loved you like PD...and you will be missed by  those who came to know of your existence through your tragic death...  for your light will ignite a million more in a common cause to take on  a battle that should have been defeated a long time ago...drunk drivers...  and so, Evie, my greatest to tribute to you is to use the words and a  paraphrase that you would certainly understand and appreciate.. "even in death,  Evie, you  will never leave us"

**************************

 CLOUDS

 It's raining outside my room
 Raining inside me
 While I sit here
 Middle of the room
 Eyes longing to flee away
 And reach the sun
 Hidden
 Nowhere to be found
 My mouth is shut
 Eyes wide open
 As the window
 A cold wind raging through my soul
 Tearing my heart appart

 Where is the sun that feeds my soul when the clouds are coming?

 Dunno
 All I can feel is the rain
 Raindrops steping closer to my heart
 Telling me tales of  love being taken
 By our own kind stupidity

 Can't cry anymore
 As I feel myself melting into the clouds
 Liquid
 Lonely
 All I can hope is oblivion
 Passing through me
 Taking me back home

 Lost in the clouds
 Darkening in the cold silence of the night
 I can only wait
 To be born again
 With the next sunrise.

 Sorry, guys. "Rainy days and mondays always get me down"...

 P.D., the sun will shine again.

 Take care, all of you.
 Elglin

************************** From: Suzette Benjamins <eureka@euronet.nl>
Sent: Tuesday, June 08, 1999 5:23 AM
Subject: In honor of Evie
 

Hereby I send my most deepest respect to PD and all the others Evie has left behind. That the spirit of love can find them again.

If love survives the end of time, someday it will come back to you and hold you tight for eternity

Suzette
 
 

***************************

From: CASSANDRA ROBINSON <K9CLEANUP@webtv.net>
Sent: Tuesday, June 08, 1999 7:48 PM
Subject: Best Wishes
 
 

     We are so sorry to hear about your loss. Our thoughts are with you.
                         Sann and Jalene

**************************

From: Miguel Cura <miguelc@interlog.com>
Sent: Tuesday, June 08, 1999 10:28 PM
Subject: In Memoriam of Evie
 

 I just read this page.  I never knew Evie Lambearth, or read her posts, but she sounds awfully familiar.  Then it hit me, she could have been any of the friends we Xenites have made in the last few years.  I think she now represents every Xenite friend we have made.

 Evie was killed by a drunk driver four days ago.  That was Friday.  Saturday, I crashed on a motorcycle, training in a parking lot.  I was  nowhere near a street, in a controlled environment, and the moment I  felt my helmet hit the asphalt I heard a whistle signalling the other folks raining to stop and turn off their engines.  I was lucky.  Evie wasn't.  She leaves behind her lover, son, and her parents and three siblings.

 I don't say this often enough, so I might as well start.  I cherish  every moment every time one of us drops in a friendly line, or writes a new story or draws a new pic and asks the others "what do you think", or  just out of the blue drops a line and says "hey there".  I can say to  all that my life has been all the richer for knowing you, friends that  I've never met.  Thank you, all.  I love you.

 Don't let this day end without telling someone else that.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I'd originally written this to some good friends of mine: Cindy "Felioness"
 Simpson, Jeri Peterson, DM Redhawk, and Joe O'Connell.  On Redhawk's suggestion, I'm sending it to express my views on this tragedy. My feelings still stand, but I'd like to expand that to everyone who's ever written them or myself a kind word since we put up our stories, art, and websites.  Please, please take care of yourselves and each other.  I've often said this as a tagline, but in all sincerity, I wish you all, andour  departed friend Evie, every blessing to you and yours.

 Miguel A. Cura: Animator  http://www.technologix.org/gabwhacked/

 Becky,
I had to check with P.D. first before I felt comfortable sending this memoriam for Evie.  Both P.D. & Evie were big Dr.Seuss fans.  He had a unique view of life and a fun one.  I feel the poem below capture's Evie's essence.  If you would be so kind as to print the following:

 In Memory of Evie Lamberth

 I offer this oft-quoted Dr.Seuss poem in memory of Evie.  She was a big
fan of his words/ideas and outlook on life.

 How did it get so late so soon?
 It's night before it's afternoon.
 December is here before it's June.
 My goodness how the time has flewn.
 How did it get so late so soon?

                 --Dr.Seuss

 You will be missed, Evie.
 Demeter
 
 

***********************

 I would like to share a poem I wrote in tribute to Evie. I loved reading her  posts online, sharing her joy and enthusiasm for one of her favorite shows.

 Evie was a poet at heart. The words she wrote were honest and often evoked feelings or wonderous images that made me pause to reflect or gave me cause to smile.  I miss this Poetess. What an fathomless loss.

 Poem for the Poetess

 With such simple words her images bloom,
 Her spirit shines forth from the gentle soul contained.
 Twinkling eyes glisten with laughter's rapture,
 To reveal un-shielded, a Poetess' reign.

 Behold the Poetess, mere mortal being,
 Undone with Life's uncertain strain.
 Stands boldly Child-like in Goddess Wisdom;
 Sweet Sentinal hovering o'er the earthly grain.

 For Love of Love, her calling thus known,
 Undaunted by Life's darkshells from the sea.
 Hard lessons learned of her Flesh and of Bone,
 But still gave of her heart to remain open to thee.

 Dear Poetess, who's voiceless words will ever play
 As sweet reminder to Heart's fragile gift oft' ignored.
 You are missed by scores more than could ever be counted.
 Forever remembered, always loved and adored.

 We miss you Evie.
 --Nadavay

**************************
It has been said that it is always darkest before the dawn. When we lost Evie it was indeed a dark time.  Just when PD believed the dark would forever be with her, many little lights began to show her the way back from the depths of her grief.  The lights which began to brighten PD's life were from a truly unexpected source.

Please read and rejoice in this tale as told by PD. And may these actions be an inspiration for us all.

Becky C

**************************

Evie

There is a hole in my heart
That can never be filled.
There is an emptiness in my soul
That can never be stilled.

I am alone
I cry in the night
There is no joy
There is no light!

by Frances Smith aka Mikki

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