There's never anything to say:
We come and go,
Leaving reluctantly
After staying as long as we can.
It always hurts,
It's always too soon,
But at least the pain is finally over.

a poem from LJ

To visit Tonya's page "About Me" and see pictures of her and her wedding visit this link.

A note from Tonya's Mother

Tonya passed away yesterday morning,
surrounded by family and friends.
If anyone asks she requested donations be made
to the American Cancer Society or
Denver Dumb Friend's League
2080 S. Quebec
Denver Co. 80231-3298.

The Memorial Service will be Tuesday, Jan. 30 - at 10:00am
at Horan & McConaty 3201 S. Parker Rd, Aurora.

To access the transcripts of the wake/memorial chat for Tonya
visit this site. (To read the transcript you must join the list
- there is a button in the upper right corner that says "join the list")


On this page we will post any poems or longer messages anyone wishes to contribute.
Please send them directly to the Nutbread Webmaster
(please indicate that you want them posted and if you would allow some editing and spell checking)



As many of you have heard, Tonya Muir lost her long battle with cancer this past week. Tonya was truly a sweet soul, and anyone who knew her or met her knows that we have all suffered a great loss with her passing. Tonya was very supportive of our efforts with Sword and Staff, and I felt it proper that we do something to celebrate her life.

In her memory, I will be collecting donations to the Rainforest Preservation Foundation. The acreage of Amazon Rainforest we preserve in her name will be a perpetual memorial to a young woman who touched so many lives.

If you'd like to participate, please send a check payable to the Rainforest Preservation Foundation to: Sword and Staff P.O. Box 224 Floral Park, NY 11002 Mist

The last update letter from Clive
posted on the lists

Dear Friends


Link to a tribute by Judi

I am Free



When I came to the end of the road
and the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
why cry for a soul set free.
Miss me a little-but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.

Remember the love that we once shared,
miss me-but let me go.
For this is a journey that we all must take
and each must go alone.
It's all a part of the master plan,
a step on the road to home.


When you are lonely and sick of heart,
go to the friends we know.
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss me-but let me go."

Eternal Light

We are each of us... Candles...
The wax our bodies
The wick our spirits
Our lives the coalescence of the candle and the flame.
Though its essence burns away...
Its light and warmth are spread...and shared.
All who walk within the halo's edge
Will remember its illuminating glow.
And so... We live on.

Tonya... thank you for sharing your light...
and warmth...with all of us.

Tonight we are saddened at the loss of Tonya to cancer. We are saddened for her husband and family and ourselves. Tonya is free. Free of the needles the medicine but most of all the pain. We are sad for the loss of a wife, daughter, friend and writer. She will be missed here but welcome in a better place. So think of her as happy, she was happy in life an now she has the happiness back. I had never met her in person but she was on my prayer list for many months. A welcome was given in Heaven for her. God gave her the love of her husband family and love for writing he just wanted to see it for Himself.


Remember Me
Christina Rosetti 1830-1894

Remember Me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve.
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thought that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

I've included a poem for Tonya,
that I'd like to have on the homepage
if you wouldn't mind.
Thanks, KM

This is about what I'm feeling right now.

Dirge without Music
by Edna St. Vincent Millay

I am not resigned to the shutting away
of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be,
for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go,
the wise and the lovely.
Crowned With lilies and with laurel they go;
but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, - but the rest is lost.

The answer quick and keen,
the honest look, the laughter,
the love,-
They are gone.
They have gone to feed the roses.
Elegant and curled Is the blossom.
Fragrant is the blossom.
I know.
But I do not approve.

More precious was the light in your eyes
than all roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know.
But I do not approve.
And I am not resigned.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glint on snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain

When you wake in the morning hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.

-Joyce Fossen


I got to visit with Tonya this summer when I was in Colorado, I will try to write up something about it tonight or tomorrow and send it to you as well. -Snow Raven

Light in August

All our lives are lived in fear
of facing God should He come near
We live in shadows, hiding there
denying refuge, love and care
We toil and earn our daily bread
choosing to be 'lost' instead
But then one day some light peeks through
and we tremble, our fears renewed
With His patience and loving grace
we see our fears at last replaced
For on this shadowed path of light
where harbour seems found in the night
It is His path that we're set on
and leads us to the face of God

(c) ArdentTly

My candle burns too brightly,
It will not last the night.
But oh, my foes and ah, my friends,
It gives a lovely light.

by Edna St. Vincent Millay
(for a brief but beautiful and full of love life...)

- C. Rosetti

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.

(It wont get better, but it will get easier for those left behind)

We just wanted to express our deepest sympathy with the passing of Tonya and to send our thoughts and prayers to her and her family.
Cruise, Stoley and our ClubUber family
Subject: Tonya
I don't know where to start.. This news saddens me so much. I really never knew Tonya except through her fanfic. she wrote some of my favorite I have read them over and over I told her before she got so sick how much I enjoyed her writings and would trade e-mails with her..I sent her cards from time to time I am glad I did. I know at a time like this there is really nothing to say to those close to her... She, I think is going on to bigger and better things... those of us left here without her are the ones to hurt.


May your soul soar as free as an eagle...
May the eternity be peaceful and joyful...
May the angels dance with you...
May the clouds bring you comfort...
May the power of love always live through your beautiful soul...
You will live forever in the hearts of all your friends.

Caroline (a.k.a. Little Pest)

Hello, I just found out about Tonya's passing. I never realized that she had such an on-line community, but that doesn't surprise me knowing the kind of person she was. You can post this if you'd like, I know it's not poetry or anything, but maybe you'd like to know about Tonya's time in the Air Force.

I was stationed with Tonya at Tinker Air Force Base, outside of Oklahoma City. There were a lot of brand new Air Force Lieutenants in that unit, and we spent a lot of time complaining. Man, she could gripe with the best of them. Tonya and I were on a bowling team in the unit bowling league, the team's name was "We Suck". Tonya was a terrible bowler, but it didn't matter because the team's name was...well, you get the idea. We drank a lot of beer, and finished last in the league. It was loads of fun, and all us of enjoyed it. Tonya was a unique person, a friend of mine and I'll miss her. Here's to you Tonya, from all the old Lieutenants at SD. We remember.
-Mark Rieker

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou are not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou'art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy'or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

……By John Donne

Tonya, your wit, your spirit but especially your courage against such formidable odds was an inspiration to us all. I shall miss you greatly

Eternal rest grant unto her oh Lord And let perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace,
Amen MK


Her Journey's Just Begun

Don't think of her as gone away -
her journey's just begun,
life holds so many facets -
this earth is only one.

Just think of her as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.

Think how she must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.

And think of her as living
in the hearts of those she touched...
for nothing loved is ever lost -
and she was loved so much.

E. Brenneman

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
and took me by the hand,
Then said my place was ready
in Heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
For all my life I'd always thought
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible
that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad.
I thought of all the love we shared
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe even see you smile.
But then I fully realized
that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me
from his great thrown above.
He said, "This is eternity
and all I've promised you.
Today, life on earth is past
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow
but today will always last,
And since each day is the same,
there's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,
There were times you did some things
you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven and now at last you're free,
So won't you take my hand and share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.

Author unknown.
(Contributed by Peggy Spalding)
Tonya, we'll miss you more than mere words are adequate to express. 1

I got the chance to meet Tonya and her family last summer while I was in Colorado. I met them at a restaurant in Denver where she and Clive were having one last carnivorous blowout before they started eating vegetarian.

Tonya invited me back to her mom's house where I met her folks' dimwitted but lovable dogs. She and her mother and I played a cutthroat game of Trivial Pursuit; upon discovering that none of us was a font of useless information, we started discarding the questions we thought were too obscure for a real human to answer. Frequently heard were things like, "Hey, this question's not too bad, you might get this one" and "Oh gawd, not another sports question. You wanna try the history question instead?"

Tonya was scheduled to go in for an interview about one of the new cancer protocols the next morning, and I lost count of how many times the game was put on hold when one of Tonya's friends called up to ask how things were going and offer support. It looked like Tonya was about up to her antlers with being supported so vigorously, but she regarded it all with resigned bemusement, and maintained her good humor throughout the evening. I was amazed at how calmly and matter-of-factly she and her family seemed to be dealing with everything. \

Above all, I was deeply impressed with Tonya's determination to keep fighting, no matter what the odds. Hope can be elusive even in much better circumstances than the ones she was faced with, but she always managed to find hope; not simply to cling to, but to use as a springboard. I'm thankful to have known her even for such a short time. May her courage inspire us, and her legacy never grow dim. -Snow Raven

i suppose we would all like to believe that the xenaverse is a warm, fuzzy place where conflict does not exist. we know that isn't true. the xenaverse is like any other community. it is filled with egos and disagreements and hurt feelings, but it is also filled with love and kindness. moreover, the amazing thing is that this love and kindness is shown to people we will probably never meet. they are a name on a computer screen. we read something they wrote. is it an insight into their true self or is it bullshit? we don't know. nevertheless, when they are hurting, we put their names on our prayer list or send them an encouraging email - just to let them know that they are not alone. i never met tonya muir. my contact was limited to responses to her stories and get well letters when she was ill. what i do know about her though, is that she was a talented, warm, and tough young woman who did all she could to make the world a better place. i know this from the efforts made on her behalf by her xenaverse friends. thanks to them, we have come to appreciate and love, not just tonya's work, but tonya's true self. and i celebrate that.

from left

Post this if you want and feel it worthy. I am sure Bandit was one of the first to greet her when she came to the Rainbow Bridge. She wasn't due yet, dammit.
Cheryl Dawson

Bandit was one of the KS dogs. He had been abused and Tonya was trying to get him to trust people near his food when he turned on her and attacked. She made the very responsible decision that he could not be adopted to anyone and could in fact be dangerous to her and any other dog that she might be responsible for, even though he was very lovable when not around food. And she had him put down, although it was extremely hard for her. She shared with me the following: "If you're interested, I wrote a poem for him ... I'd like to share, it helps my healing ... I'm no poet ... but I needed to write this, kind of my personal memorial to help him on his way.

For our sweet "Bandito"
17 Sep 1994 to 20 Feb 1998

We led you to the Bridge today,
and held you while you crossed
Knowing despite your past offenses,
your soul would not be lost
We told you of "husky heaven,"
full of dogs and bones and love
Cursing those who may have hurt you,
and started your path above
You licked my chin and kissed my tears,
forgiving me my weakness
Your head in my lap, slipping away,
we cried as you left us
And if no one comes to meet you,
I pray you'll wait for me
I'll save a place with my dogs,
for you to walk beside my knee
We led you to the Bridge today
and watched you walk across
To play amongst the flowers,
and sleep atop the moss "