ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. THENOS INN COURTYARD - LATE AFTERNOON

The townsfolk are gathered outside the inn. Across the door to the inn a board is nailed with a hastily written 'CLOSED DUE TO TAXES' on it.

Theresa and Pelenius and the wagon are in the center of the crowd. Everyone is upset.

Xena and Gabrielle approach and listen.

PELENIUS

I don't understand! How could
he just come in and take over!

An older man, with a harried expression steps forward.

VILLAGE ELDER

He just did! He marched in with his
soldiers, and that was that! Now,
we have to pay him for everything!

INNKEEPER

Five dinars tax for a mug of mead!
That's more than the mead itself!

Gabrielle and Xena exchange looks. Xena retrieves a coin from somewhere and flips it. They both examine the coin. Xena points at Gabrielle. Gabrielle shakes her head and steps forward.

GABRIELLE

Excuse me.

Everyone turns to look at her.

INNKEEPER

Who are you? You're not one of us!

Xena clears her throat. The innkeeper turns to see her and jumps in fright.

INNKEEPER

(Cont’d)

*You* are definitely not one of us!

Xena gives the man the look.

GABRIELLE

No, we're travelers, we met....

PELENIUS

OH! Oh! We brought them!
They're our friends!
We met them on the road!

VILLAGE ELDER

Well, you picked an awful time
to visit. Everything's closed!

(beat)

Unless you've got lots of dinars.

Everyone leans towards Gabrielle and Xena with deep interest.

INNKEEPER

Do you?

GABRIELLE

No, but....

Everyone moves back, dismissing Xena and Gabrielle and muttering.

THERESA

(sobbing)

We'll never get married now.
We don't have fifty dinars!
We don't have FIVE dinars!

Suddenly, soldiers come marching over, with a man in a purple sash. The villagers take one look at him, and run. They scatter in all directions, leaving the waqon, the horse, Xena and Gabrielle alone in front of the inn.

PURPLE SASH

Here ye, here ye.
The prince has declared a gathering tax.
Five dinars! Exact change, please!

The man holds his hand out to Xena.

XENA

We're not gathering, we're together.

The man looks at her, then looks at Gabrielle.

PURPLE SASH

Only married people are exempt
from the tax. Five dinars!

XENA

All right then... We're married.

The man in the purple sash gives Xena a doubtful look. Gabrielle raises her eyebrows and crosses her arms, trying not to smile.

PURPLE SASH

To each other?

XENA

(snarling)

Yes. Got a problem with that?

PURPLE SASH

No need to be testy.
Is that your horse?

GABRIELLE AND XENA

No.

The man with the purple sash slaps a tag on the horse that reads ten dinars. He then marches off with the soldiers. Xena catches Gabrielle watching her.

XENA

What?

GABRIELLE

(smiling)

Was that a proposal?

Xena gets a 'caught in the oil lamp light' look. She is saved by Theresa's sudden appearance, motioning to them.

THERESA

Oh! Hurry! Please!
We need your help desperately!!!!

XENA

Sure.
C'mon, Gabrielle.
Duty calls.

Xena marches towards Theresa with determination. Gabrielle follows, a thoughtful smile on her face.

CUT TO:

INT. THERESA'S HOME - A SHORT TIME LATER

The interior of Theresa's home is precious. There is lace and frills on everything including the table skirts. Embroidered pillows sit on every flat surface. The room is crowded with people including Pelenius, and their MOTHERS and FATHERS. The men are dressed in well-made tradesman's clothes and the women wear plain dresses and aprons.

Theresa, Gabrielle, and Xena enter.

PELENIUS

Ah! Great Xena! Thank you so
much for coming to help us!

The PARENTS give Xena and Gabrielle wide eyed, doubtful looks.

THERESA

Yes! They're just wonderful, mummy!
I’m sure they'll know JUST what to do!

(beat, to Xena)

Right?

Xena flips a coin and shows it to Gabrielle. Gabrielle sighs.

GABRIELLE

I'm sure we'll help if we can... No one knows
why this prince suddenly took over the town?

THERESA’S MUMMY

No!

THERESA’S DADDY

Yes!

PELENIUS’ MUMMY

It's a curse of the gods! I've said it!
We must make a sacrifice, at once!

PELENIUS’ DADDY

A conspiracy!!!! A conspiracy, I tell you!
They're out to drive us into the ground,
take every last thing from our guts!

Gabrielle looks at all four of them.

GABRIELLE

Right. Okay, Xena, your turn.

Gabrielle turns and slaps Xena's hand as if she's in a tag team. Xena steps forward.

XENA

So, no reason, huh?

THERESA’S DADDY

No!

THERESA’S MUMMY

Yes!

Xena whistles loudly, stopping Pelenius' parents from bursting into chatter.

XENA

I get the picture. Why not just wait?
That prince isn't gonna be here for
long before he drains the place dry.
Once he leaves, you can get married.

The Parents nod and mutter.

PELENIUS

Yes! What a splendid idea! Just the thing!
Great Xena, you are brilliant!

THERESA

NO!!!!

Everyone looks at Theresa in surprise. Theresa puts her hand over her mouth.

EVERYONE

No?

Theresa shuffles over and pulls Xena and Gabrielle aside. She looks behind her anxiously.

THERESA

(whispering)

We can't wait.
We have to get married now.

GABRIELLE

Right now?

Theresa checks the sundial nearby, then counts on her fingers. A worried look crosses her face.

THERESA

Our parents are very, very conservative!

Xena and Gabrielle look past Theresa. The parents and Pelenius are leaning towards them, cupping their ears. Theresa points at the sundial. Xena and Gabrielle exchange confused looks. Theresa points emphatically at her own stomach and raises her eyebrows, making a face.

A clue flies in the window of the home, smacking Xena and Gabrielle on the back of the head.

GABRIELLE

Oh!

XENA

Gotcha.

Xena and Gabrielle back towards the door. Everyone follows them. They crowd around Xena and Gabrielle eagerly.

PELENIUS

Great Xena, I know we can count on you.

Xena grimaces. Gabrielle jabs her in the stomach with an elbow. The crowd closes in. Gabrielle and Xena back up a little faster.

GABRIELLE

We'll... uh... Work on a plan. Okay?

THERESA’S MUMMY

A plan! How splendid!

PELENIUS’ MUMMY

It's a gift of the gods! Wonderful! A plan!

PELENIUS’ DADDY

A plot you say? A plot!
I knew it! Knew it all along!

THERESA’S DADDY

Brilliant! Brilliant!

Xena and Gabrielle escape out the door and slam it behind them.

CUT TO:

EXT. THERESA'S HOME - LATE AFTERNOON

Outside, the village is fairly well covered in purple tax tags. Xena and Gabrielle look around, then look at each other.

GABRIELLE

Do you ever wonder exactly how you
and I get mixed up in things like this?

XENA

I try not to think about it. C'mon.

Xena starts off. Gabrielle follows her.

GABRIELLE

Where are we going?

XENA

To put our plan into action.

Gabrielle grabs the back of Xena's leather skirt and hauls her to a stop.

GABRIELLE

We don't have a plan.

XENA

That never stopped us before.
Go that way.

Xena points to a small, crooked, dirty, scurvy looking alley. They disappear into it. For a moment, only the fluttering of the tax stamps are heard. Then Pelenius and Theresa stumble into view. Pelenius points to the alley, and they tiptoe exaggeratedly towards it.

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE'S ENCAMPMENT - EVENING

The prince has taken over the largest house in the village. His men have camped around it, throwing up a wall of sticks. They have also taken over two or three other houses nearby. One has a hand-lettered sign that says "Tax Collector", the other has one that says "Donjion."

The prince's men march around in groups. There is a central firepit, which has a large, yet unidentifiable animal carcass cooking inside it. A cart is drawn up to the Tax Collector's house, and two men are unloading bags from it and tossing them through the door.

Xena and Gabrielle sneak up behind the well and observe the scene. Gabrielle is unaccountably wearing one of the tax stamps on her right breast.

XENA

All right. There it is.

GABRIELLE

Xena, are you sure stealing
the money is a good idea?

XENA

You got a better one? Besides, they're
gonna be giving it right back to him. Now,
go distract those guards while I sneak into
the house and get a bag of those dinars.

Gabrielle looks at the guards. She puts her hands on her hips.

GABRIELLE

Why do I always have to do the distracting?
Why don't you distract the guards,
and let me do the sneaking?

XENA

Gabrielle, now's not the time
for argument number six!

GABRIELLE

But....

XENA

Okay.
You do it because you dance
better than I do. How's that?

GABRIELLE

Hmm. That'll do for now.
Don't take too long though.
My back's not up to this.

Gabrielle pauses, then straightens her clothes, and strolls into the firelight adopting a sexy walk. Xena stares after her, totally absorbed in watching this for several long beats. A rakish smirk appears on her face.

XENA

Atta girl.

Xena reluctantly leaves her hiding spot and disappears into the shadows.

CUT TO:

EXT. TAX COLLECTOR'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Six guards stand outside the house, bristling with weapons. They have so many sharp pointed items they look more like human porcupines than soldiers. The door to the house is locked, chained, bolted, and has a big sign on it that says, "Keep out by order of Prince Xerxes!" And "Or else!"

The soldiers look around very alertly, watching each approach to the house. Their eyes go from one point to the other, at eye level.

Xena, on the ground, crawls towards them completely undetected. She pauses behind a box far too small to hide her body and peeks over it.

One man looks past her, and scratches his unmentionables. Xena puts her head back down to wait.

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE'S ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT

Gabrielle strolls into the firelight. The guards all stop and look at her. Gabrielle strikes a pose with one hand on her hip.

GABRIELLE

Howdy, boys.

The guards look at each other, then back at Gabrielle.

LEAD GUARD

Halt! No one's allowed in here!

Gabrielle looks down at her boots, then up at the guard.

GABRIELLE

I am halted and I don't want to go in there.

LEAD GUARD

(puzzled)

Then why are you here?

GABRIELLE

I’m looking for some handsome men
to talk to. Know where I can find any?

The guards look at each other carefully then look back at Gabrielle.

LEAD GUARD

No. The only ones here are us.

Gabrielle scratches her jaw.

GABRIELLE

(under her breath)

Tough crowd.

(to men)

I could dance for you.
Would you like that?

The men mutter, and shrug. Gabrielle spots Xena behind her box, convulsed in laughter.

SECOND GUARD

You know any square dances?
My mom used to do those.

GABRIELLE

Would you like to hear a story?
I know some great ones about
Xena, the Warrior Princess.

The men scratch their heads and other places. Gabrielle sighs, and walks over to them, and pulls something out of her belt pouch.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

Game of cards?

Ears perk up, the men rush over, and scramble for a seat at Gabrielle's boots. The men from the tax collectors house almost impale each other.

LEAD GUARD

Oh, this is great. I thought we'd have
to polish our swords all night.

(beat)

Do you know Go Fish?

Gabrielle looks at him. She hands him the deck of cards.

GABRIELLE

I know more about fish than you
could possibly dream of. Deal.

CUT TO:

EXT. TAX COLLECTOR'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Xena stands up and dusts her hands off. She walks to the tax collectors house and looks at the door, covered in chains, locks, and barricades. She turns and walks to the side window, lifting the latch and opening it. It swings open easily. Xena looks around.

XENA

Piece of baklava.

Xena jumps gracefully inside the house.

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE'S ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT

Gabrielle and the guards play cards. Gabrielle looks over the guards’ shoulders at the tax collectors house. Suddenly, Xena appears in the upper window, brandishing several pairs of underthings.

GABRIELLE

Bras.

LEAD GUARD

What?

GABRIELLE

Uh, I mean, gourds. Any gourds?

The men all search their cards earnestly. Gabrielle makes a face at Xena. Xena grins back at her, then disappears.

CUT TO:

EXT. TAX COLLECTOR'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Theresa and Pelenius creep from behind the house. They spot Gabrielle with the guards.

PELENIUS

Look! Do you see that?
Sweetums, they've joined the enemy!

THERESA

Oh no! They can't have!
They were so nice!

Pelenius faces the door.

PELENIUS

I will have to do this myself!

Pelenius approaches the door. He grabs one of the chains and pulls hard.

Bells ring. Alarms sound. A bird screams. The dead are woken. Pelenius tries to put the chains back, patting them frantically into place.

PELENIUS

(Cont’d)

Oh! Oh!!! Oh!!!!

THERESA

Aiieee!

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE'S ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT

The bells ring. The guards jump up and turn around. They spot the two lovebirds by the tax collectors house.

LEAD GUARD

Invaders! Thieves!
Tax Cheats! Attack!

The guards scatter their cards and head for the tax house at full speed.

GABRIELLE

XENA!!!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. TAX COLLECTOR'S HOUSE - SAME TIME

Xena leaps out of the window, a bag of coins in her hand. She stops dead as she spots the huge crowd of guards headed towards her at a dead run.

PELENIUS

Great Xena! Save us!!! Help!!!

Xena looks at them, and looks at the guards. They are almost to the house.

XENA

And I stopped being
a warlord... why, again?

Xena grabs Pelenius and shoves the bag into his hands.

PELENIUS

What shall we do???

XENA

RUN!!!

Xena gives Pelenius a shove in the right direction, then she throws Theresa after him.

THERESA

Aeeeiiiii!!!!!!! I can't run
I can't run I can't!!!!....

XENA

RUN! Or I'll tell everyone
you're PREGNANT!!!

THERESA

Aii... ack! I’m going!

Pelenius and Theresa run like hounds from the square. Xena turns to face the onrushing guards. They raise their weapons and let out a yell.

FADE OUT.