ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. PRINCE'S DONJION (DUNGEON) - NIGHT

It is dark inside. There is a lot of noise outside. Men’s voices. The sound of chains. Torches.

VOICES

Throw them in the donjion!
Let them suffer!!

The door opens, and two people are thrown inside. The door closes with a huge bang. The crowd outside cheers wildly.

VOICES

(Cont’d)

Thieves! Take your punishment!!!

There is a brief silence.

GABRIELLE

(spitting something out)

You okay?

There is a sound of an arrow being pulled out of something that is hopefully not flesh.

XENA

Never been better. You?

Gabrielle gets to her feet and feels around in the darkness. She finds a candle.

GABRIELLE

Got your flint?

Xena stands up and feels around in the darkness. She finds Gabrielle. She pulls Gabrielle into an embrace, and kisses her passionately. A moment later, the candle spontaneously ignites next to them.

XENA

(smirking)

How's that?

GABRIELLE

I’m not sure.
Can we try it again?

She grins, and looks around.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

Not like we really want to see the
inside of yet another prison. Same
old walls, same old bars, same old....

Gabrielle has picked up the candle and is turning in a circle. She and Xena stare at their surroundings.

XENA

Same old comfortable beds
and rugs on the floor??

The inside of the 'Donjion' is more like a room in a very good inn. There is a four-poster bed on one side, and a table with a tray of goodies on the other side. The windows have bars, but there are plush rugs on the floor and frilly curtains hiding the window bars.

Xena walks over to the table and inspects the tray.

XENA

(Cont’d)

Stuffed grape leaves. Mm.

Xena picks up a grape leaf and takes it with her to the bed. She drops down onto the bed and puts her feet up. Gabrielle goes and peeks outside the window. Yells erupt immediately.

VOICES

Suffer! Suffer! Suffer!

Gabrielle draws back out of sight. The yells cease. She sticks her head back into the window.

VOICES

(Cont’d)

Thief! Wrath of the gods be on you! Thief!

Gabrielle pulls back. The voices stop.

GABRIELLE

Guess we're not getting out that way.

(beat, looking at Xena)

So what's the plan now?

Xena licks her fingers.

XENA

The plan is, you're gonna get that tray,
and put your bardic butt in this bed.

GABRIELLE

Xena. We've got to get out of here.

Xena looks around.

XENA

Why? You got a better place to spend
the night? We've been sleeping on
the ground the last three weeks.

Gabrielle gives Xena a look.

XENA

(Cont’d)

(drolly)

Well, at least *I've* been
sleeping on the ground.

Gabrielle gives in. She walks to the table, carefully skirting the window, and gets the tray of grape leaves. She also picks up a bottle of wine nearby. She brings it all over to the bed and sets it down on the wooden table near Xena's elbow. She climbs over Xena into the bed.

GABRIELLE

Xena, isn't this whole
thing just a little strange?

XENA

What?

GABRIELLE

This. This... Jail.
These people. Those taxes.

Xena studiously removes the tax sticker from Gabrielle's breast.

XENA

How much was this one for?

GABRIELLE

(distractedly)

Ten dinars

XENA

Not even close.

GABRIELLE

What?

Xena plumps the pillows up and arranges Gabrielle against them. She takes a grape leaf from the tray and puts it in Gabrielle's mouth.

XENA

Tomorrow, we'll get our hands on that
prince and fix this. Until then, enjoy.

Gabrielle leans over and gives Xena a kiss. Xena responds. Gabrielle kisses Xena again, then abruptly pauses.

GABRIELLE

What if they're watching us?

Xena cranes her neck and looks over Gabrielle's shoulder.

XENA

They'll either learn something
or go blind. C'mere.

FADE TO:

EXT. PRINCE’S DUNGEON - MORNING

Three men sit outside the dungeon, wearing bandages over their eyes. They appear disconsolate. Surrounding the dungeon are a legion of guards, very well armed.

The makeshift gates around the big houses creak open, and another group of guards march out. They head for the dungeon.

As the group of guards approaches, the soldiers around the dungeon step back, opening a space for them.

The guards stop before the house. The front ranks part, and a man steps out from among them. A small, buxom woman with a scroll and a quill follows him.

He is dressed in silk, and wearing a short cape. It is The PRINCE. He is a somewhat thin, weedy looking man with shoulder length brown hair. He is also short.

PRINCE XERXES

Prisoners! Be afraid!
For I am here to judge you!

Everything is quiet when he stops speaking. The guards look at each other. The prince clears his throat.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

I SAID… PRISONERS….

Xena appears in the window. She grips the bars and looks out.

XENA

We heard you.

Gabrielle joins Xena, adjusting a strap on her halter.

GABRIELLE

Just the guy we wanted to talk to.

The prince struts over to the window. He waggles a riding crop at Gabrielle.

PRINCE XERXES

I talk. You listen!

XENA

Wait a minute.…

The prince smacks his crop against the bars, hitting Xena's fingers.

PRINCE XERXES

Phut! Phut! Silence, Thief!

Xena glares at the prince, and starts to lunge forward. Gabrielle catches Xena's arm and makes a calming 'let me handle this' gesture.

GABRIELLE

Excuse me.…

The prince smacks the bars again. Gabrielle jumps.

PRINCE XERXES

SILENCE!

(beat, looking at them.)

You have been caught stealing from
my tax collector. Five years in jail.
Have a nice day.

The prince turns and struts back to the guards, who close around him. The scribe scribbles on her parchment, sticking the tip of her tongue out in concentration.

XENA

Hey!  Wait a minute!
You can't keep us in here for five years!

The prince sticks his head out from between two soldiers.

PRINCE XERXES

No?

(beat)

You're right.
Ten years for impertinence!

The guards march away with the prince.  Xena and Gabrielle exchange looks.

XENA

That worked.

(snorting)

Not.

Gabrielle examines the bars. She pushes her finger against one. It moves, held in place by what appears to be dried mud.

GABRIELLE

I don't think we have
much to worry about.

The scribe has remained behind. She walks to the window and studies Xena and Gabrielle.

SCRIBE

I need to get some information from you.

XENA

Like what?

SCRIBE

Who you are, where you're from,
what your favorite colors are...
for the Prince's autobiography.

GABRIELLE

Are you writing it?

SCRIBE

Why, yes!

Gabrielle disappears from the window. She walks to the door and opens it. It opens quite readily.

GABRIELLE

Why don't you come on in and sit down?

SCRIBE

How nice! Why, thank you!

The scribe enters. Gabrielle looks out at the soldiers standing at attention. Shaking her head, she shuts the door.

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE’S DUNGEON - MORNING

Theresa and Pelenius sneak towards the dungeon.

PELENIUS

We shall never get through,
snookums! Look! The guards!

THERESA

But honeybottom - we must!
We can't just leave them in there!

They hide behind a barrel, and peek over it. The guards stolidly ring the dungeon, arms at the ready. Pelenius edges out from behind the barrel and crawls forward, looking one way, and then the other towards the dungeon. He crawls back.

PELENIUS

Sweetiebuns, I do believe I have a plan!

THERESA

I knew it! My hero!

Theresa and Pelenius crawl around to the back of the dungeon, out of sight.

CUT TO:

INT. PRINCE’S DUNGEON - DAY

Xena sprawls on the bed, a dour look on her face. Gabrielle sits on the edge of the bed, facing their visitor. The Scribe sits on a chair, writing.

SCRIBE

Can you spell that again?
Pota….  What?

Xena sits up.

XENA

How about you tell us something first.

GABRIELLE

Xena….

The scribe looks at Xena.

XENA

Why is the prince doing this?
Taking over this town. Badgering
these people half to death. Is he nuts?

SCRIBE

(striking a noble pose)

They say the Land has no wrath
like a man scorned! The Prince, his
most nobleness, is taking revenge
for a great wrong that was done to him.

Xena and Gabrielle exchange looks.

XENA AND GABRIELLE

Really?

SCRIBE

(lowering voice)

Wanna hear about it?

XENA AND GABRIELLE

Absolutely. Start talking.

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE’S DUNGEON - DAY

Pelenius and Theresa are flat on their bellies, behind a bush. The back of the dungeon is completely unguarded.

THERESA

Pooterbooters, I have every single
faith in you, but how are we to
pull that whole wall down?

PELENIUS

We'll just take hold and
start pulling, huggy wonkers.
Won't take but a minute.

They both regard the wall.

THERESA

Wouldn't it be much more fun if
our friends helped us, snookie?
We might break our nails!

PELENIUS

Good idea, munchibunchi!
Let's go get everyone!

Pelenius and Theresa crawl off.

CUT TO:

INT. PRINCE’S DUNGEON - DAY

The Scribe is now lying on the bed with her hands folded on her stomach. Gabrielle sits off to one side, writing on the parchment. Xena paces back and forth, asking questions.

XENA

So, let me get this straight.
The prince was going to marry
the innkeeper's daughter?

SCRIBE

Yes!

XENA

And the innkeeper's daughter ran
off with the winemaker, leaving
the prince at the altar?

SCRIBE

Yes!!!

GABRIELLE

(muttering)

Tch Tch.…Gotta watch those
innkeeper's daughters.

Xena gives Gabrielle a look. Gabrielle smiles charmingly at her.

SCRIBE

Oh yes! It was horrible.
I felt SO bad for the Prince!
Imagine, being left like that!
For some... Some... Ugh!

XENA

Right.

SCRIBE

So, of COURSE he had to take revenge!

GABRIELLE

Of course.

SCRIBE

He's not really a bad guy.

XENA

Just a vindictive one.

SCRIBE

Right. I mean… No! No, not really!

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE’S DUNGEON - DAY

Theresa, Pelenius, and a dozen others gather outside the back of the dungeon.

PELENIUS

Let's go, mates! The Great Xena risked
everything for us.  Now we pay her back!

The crowd cheers. Pelenius waves his hands at the frantically. They shut up and cover their mouths. They creep up to the wall and take hold of it, pulling on the wood with audible grunts.

CUT TO:

INT. PRINCE’S DUNGEON - DAY

Gabrielle finishes writing. She puts the parchment down.

GABRIELLE

Fred, do you think you can get
us an audience with the prince?

Xena rolls her eyes in disgust, and starts to prowl around the dungeon. She starts to rip small bits of wood off the walls.

SCRIBE

Oh! Well, I don't know….
Why do you want one?
I thought you didn't like him.

GABRIELLE

Well, maybe we can talk to him about
what he'd doing here. You know, it's
really not fair to punish the entire
town for the actions of a few.

SCRIBE

Well, he's a pretty busy guy....

Gabrielle watches Xena out of the corner of her eye.

GABRIELLE

I bet he really likes this
jailhouse, doesn't he?

SCRIBE

Oh! Yes! He's very proud of it!

Gabrielle points at Xena, and whispers.

GABRIELLE

If you don't get him to talk to us,
there won't be much of it left.

The scribe looks, gets up and scuttles for the door. She goes through it and closes it after her.

XENA

Give me one reason not to walk out
of here and kick everyone's butt.

GABRIELLE

If we can talk him out of this, we help him,
we help these people, and we get out
of here without bruises. For a change.

XENA

(puzzled)

And? Where's the fun in that?

Gabrielle sighs. Xena saunters over and puts a fingertip on Gabrielle's chin, lifting it up and peering at her.

XENA

(Cont’d)

What's it worth to me?

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE’S DUNGEON - DAY

All the efforts of the crowd don't seem to be getting them anywhere. The wall isn't budging, and they can't even pull a nail out of it.

THERESA

(panting)

Sweetiebuns, I don't think this is working.

PELENIUS

We must try harder!
If we all grab onto that....

Pelenius points to a beam midway up on the wall. It is above the crowds heads.

THERESA

Cuddlepumps, we can't reach that!

It is true. Pelenius looks around, spots a wagon.

PELENIUS

Never fear, munchkin!
I've found a solution!

Pelenius runs for the wagon. The crowd cheers. Theresa waves at them frantically. They clap their hands over their mouths and look all around. Apparently no one hears them.

CUT TO:

INT. PRINCE’S DUNGEON - DAY

Xena lies on the bed, spread out on her side like a jungle cat, appearing smugly pleased.  Gabrielle sits by the table, her boots up on it, writing on her parchment.

GABRIELLE

You're so easy.

Xena raises an eyebrow at her and smirks. A loud rumbling wipes the grin off her face and makes them both jump up.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

Earthquake? Giant?
Flash flood? Baked beans?

XENA

Worse.

Xena dives off the bed and grabs Gabrielle, pulling her off her feet and falling with her in the corner of the room.  The entire back wall of the jailhouse crashes inward with a horrendous splintering of wood, screaming of horses, and yelping of many voices.

GABRIELLE

Ah. Idiots.

A horn sounds.

VOICE OUTSIDE

All rise for the approach of his
royal Majesty, the ever wonderful,
ever gracious, ever handsome, ever….

(beat)

Prince Xerxes!

The sound of marching feet gets louder. The babbling of the idiots gets louder. Gabrielle gives Xena a horrified look.

GABRIELLE

If he catches them, they'll
all end up in here with us.

XENA

AIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR