ACT 4

FADE IN:

15.

EXT. VILLAGE. DAY.

Xena and Gabrielle with Aphrodite in tow, head back to the main square in the village. Xena leans against a wall across the square from the magistrate's office and watches. Gabrielle joins her partner in the observation while Aphrodite adjusts her breasts.

APHRODITE
So, what are we doing?

XENA
Gabrielle and I are going to
stop a robbery. You're feeling
yourself up in public.

APHRODITE
As if!

Xena gestures to the goddess who still has her hands on her chest. Aphrodite immediately removes her hands and shoots Xena a dirty look.

XENA
Gabrielle, are the voices
in your head gone?

Gabrielle listens again, then smiles.

GABRIELLE
Not a word.
Thank you, Aphrodite

APHRODITE
My pleasure. Anything else
I can do to help while I'm
playing with you mortals?

XENA
Don't you think
you've done enough?

APHRODITE
Hey, if it weren't for my little
gift, you wouldn't know what
was going to happen today.

GABRIELLE
She's got a point, Xena.

XENA
All right, you can help. But
we do this the mortal way.
No powers.

APHRODITE
Ooo…

(claps her hands together)

An adventure.
I can do that.

XENA
We'll see.

The trio watches as the Tax Collector and his Guards load up a large enclosed wagon with bags of money. Xena nudges Gabrielle and gestures to another group across the street, also watching them load the wagon.

XENA
(cont'd)
Come on, let's head
them off at the pass.

Xena and Gabrielle walk over to Argo, who is standing nearby drinking from a trough. Climbing in to the saddle, Xena extends her hand to Gabrielle and pulls her up behind her. Aphrodite approaches and places her hands on her hips.

APHRODITE
And how am I supposed
to get there?

XENA
Pop there.

APHRODITE
Oh, no, you said no powers.

GABRIELLE
(chuckling)
She's got you again, Xena.

APHRODITE
You can't expect me to walk in
heels. Even in your warlord days
you weren't that blood thirsty.

Xena sighs and drops her head. Gabrielle laughs and climbs off of Argo.

GABRIELLE
I'll walk.
You can ride.

XENA
Gabrielle…

GABRIELLE
No, Xena it's all right.
You know I can walk it.
Let her ride.

XENA
Oh, all right!

(extends her hand to Aphrodite)

Come on.

Aphrodite smiles and is pulled up behind Xena. She settles in and wraps her arms around Xena's waist, cooing and squealing with delight.

APHRODITE
(to Gabrielle)
Now I see why you like this.

GABRIELLE
Keep you hands to yourself.

APHRODITE
Please. As if I would cop a feel.

Xena yelps when Aphrodite places her hands someplace sensitive. Gabrielle draws her SAIS and glares.

APHRODITE
(cont'd)
Much.

(whispers quickly)

It won't happen again.

CUT TO:

16.

EXT. ROAD. DAY

Gabrielle looks up and taps Xena on the leg, grinning she points back to Aphrodite who is sound asleep against Xena's back.

GABRIELLE
It's not just me.

Xena shakes her head and elbows the goddess.

XENA
Rise and shine.

Aphrodite wakes and stretches, smiling and well rested. She wipes a long strand of drool from her mouth.

APHRODITE
Ew. How totally gross
and mortal-like.
(horrified, she checks
herself for morning breath)

Xena stops Argo and helps her down before dismounting herself.

APHRODITE
I haven't slept that well in years.

(slaps Xena on the backside)

I gotta get me one of these.

XENA
(growling)
Watch it!

Aphrodite looks to Gabrielle and shrugs, while Gabrielle tries to hide the grin on her face by pretending to scratch her face.

XENA
(whispering to Gabrielle)
Don't encourage her.

Gabrielle is about to respond when she hears something in the distance.

GABRIELLE
We've got company coming.

Xena gives Argo a little slap to the hindquarters and then turns to her companions. Looking between them, her mouth shapes an evil grin.

XENA
Gabrielle, you take a spot
up there by the trees.

Xena takes Aphrodite by the shoulders and stands her right in the middle of the road.

XENA
You stand right here.

APHRODITE
Wha…

Before Aphrodite can say anything else, Xena and Gabrielle run across the other side of the road and settle behind a tree. Xena signals for Aphrodite to stay put.

Aphrodite places her hands on her hips and is about to spout off something when the half dozen men come riding toward her. She turns away from Xena and smiles innocently at the men who all stop immediately.

The LEADER of the group smiles and climbs off his horse as he leers at the scantily clad goddess. All the men dismount and circle the Goddess of Love.

LEADER
Well, well boys looks like it's
gonna be a banner day. We're
gonna get rich and have a
pretty lady to share it with. If we
get a good fight, it'll be perfect.

Xena steps from her spot at the side of the road, holding her CHAKRAM and wearing a grin.

XENA
Looks like you got a winner
all the way around fellas.
It's going to be good fight.

(beat)

For me.

LEADER
I really think you need to be
on your way. You're no match
for us and I don't see her

(points to Aphrodite)

being much help.

XENA
Just goes to show when you're
wrong, you're REALLY wrong.

The Leader sighs, shakes his head and looks back at his men.

LEADER
Okay, boys, let's deal with this
MINOR distraction before that
tax wagon gets here.

XENA
Who are you calling minor?

All the men charge Xena, who laughs and lets them surround her. One of the GUYS starts for Aphrodite, but before he can get to her, Gabrielle jumps from her position and lands between them, delivering a blow to the Man, and knocking him backwards.

One of his friends leaves the fight with Xena, where his other friends are getting their brains scrambled by the Warrior Princess. He charges Gabrielle, who uses her SAI to yank his SWORD from his hand.

The first Man Gabrielle knocked down is scrambling to his feet. As he grabs his Sword to attack again, Aphrodite grabs a log from the side of the road and bashes him in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious. She beams with pride as he falls in a lump at her feet.

APHRODITE
Oooo, cool!

Aghast, she drops the log as she looks at her hand. Her eyes go round as saucers.

APHRODITE
(wailing)
I chipped a nail!

Xena, apparently tired of playing with the thugs, takes the Leader and his closest friend and slams their heads together. They slump bonelessly in her hands and she drops them, before turning on the third man and jabbing his neck.

He gasps, his eyes wide with fear as he sinks to his knees, clawing at his throat.

XENA
Here's the deal. You've got thirty
seconds to live. Now, here's your
choices, you can die. Or you can
collect your pals and get out of
here and leave the tax wagon alone.
Your choice.

The Man pulls on her leathers gasping.

XENA
(cont'd)
What was that?
I didn't quite get it?

MAN
Leave.

XENA
Good choice.

She releases the pinch, stepping out of the way to let the Man fall flat on his face, coughing and hacking as he draws one deep breath after the other. Xena grins as Gabrielle uses her foot to kick the last remaining man in the butt. Xena grabs him and keeps him from falling on top of his companion.

XENA
Get your friends and
get out of here.

She lets him go as all the men gather themselves and each other and make for their horses. Gabrielle joins Xena, watching them ride away as fast as their horses will carry them.

GABRIELLE
Another disaster averted.

XENA
All in a days work.

Aphrodite approaches, wiping her hands together.

APHRODITE
I don't know how you two do
this everyday. It's dirty and
so… DIRTY. Besides, you
just saved the tax collector
and he doesn't even know it.
What's the point?

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, we do it because
it's the right thing to do.

APHRODITE
Well if that's what floats your
boat. I prefer something
a bit more romantic.

She looks at her clothes, now dirty and in disarray.

APHRODITE
(cont'd)
And nothing romantic will happen
with me looking like this. Time for
a trip to the beauty parlor.
Later, babes.

Aphrodite pops out, leaving them standing in the middle of the road. Xena looks down the road and leads Gabrielle to the side where they stand watching as the tax wagon and the guards on horseback ride by, totally unaware of what has just happened.

Gabrielle nudges her partner.

GABRIELLE
Now that we've done our good
deed for the day, how about we
see if we can find a nice
room for the night?

XENA
(leering)
Oooo Gabrielle,
you read my mind.

FADE OUT

DISCLAIMER
No wild animals were harmed during the making of this motion picture,
but Gabrielle's ability to eat rabbit was severally injured.

NEXT WEEK ON XENA