ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. CAMP - SAME NIGHT

Gabrielle, still clad in only a towel, sits on the bedroll reading her just delivered scroll.  A delighted smile spreads over her face and soon turns into an impish smirk as she continues reading.

Xena, perched on a nearby log and attending to some slices in her leather, looks up at the sound of Gabrielle’s evil cackle.

XENA

Share the joke?

Startled, Gabrielle looks up a trifle guiltily and quickly begins re-rolling the scroll.

GABRIELLE

(over-lightly)

Oh, it’s…nothing... really....  Just

some news from some of my

friends back at the Academy.

XENA

(suspiciously)

Sounded like some

pretty funny news.

GABRIELLE

Yeah, well you know how

we bards are, Xena.  One

laugh after another.

XENA

(drolly)

Oh yeah, that’s you bards all

right.  A real laugh a minute.

Gabrielle shifts uncomfortably, then quickly looks up at the star-filled sky.

GABRIELLE

Oh my, would you

look at the time?

She gives a very false stretch and yawn.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

I’m really tired.  I think I’ll

turn in now.  G’night, Xena.

XENA

(rumbling)

Gabrielle....

The innocence shining in Gabrielle’s eyes could rival a newborn’s.

Xena of course isn’t buying it for a minute.

GABRIELLE

Yes, Xena?

XENA

I think I just might be in the mood

for some funny bard news.  So, what

say you give me the scroll to read?

She gives Gabrielle a predatory smile.

XENA

(cont’d)

After all, you can’t read

it if you’re sleeping.

Gabrielle’s eyes dart about the encampment.  It’s obvious she’s thinking a mile a minute.

GABRIELLE

No, no, Xena. I don’t think you’d find

this stuff very funny.  Just… bard

jokes.  You know...   ‘Why did the

bard cross the footpath?’, ‘How

many bards does it take to

light a candle?’ Stuff like that.

(beat)

Pretty dry for a warrior of

the world like yourself.

XENA

Mm.

She slowly rises to her feet.

XENA

(cont’d)

I think a ‘warrior of the world’

should decide these things

for herself, don’t you?

Holding the scroll tight against her chest, Gabrielle springs to her feet and darts away.

GABRIELLE

Xena, no, really!  Say!  Don’t you

think your sword could use some

sharpening?  It seemed pretty dull

when you were hacking into

that bandit this afternoon.

Gabrielle darts again as Xena reaches out to grab her.  She’s just quick enough so that the warrior is left only with a handful of towel, and uses this to her advantage.  Faking a trip, she dumps the scroll into the fire and watches as the fragile papyrus is quickly consumed.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Oops!  Clumsy me.  Heh. Heh.  Oh

well, I guess that ends that.  I think

I’ll hit the bedroll now.  G’night, Xena.

She clearly expects another chase, and is mildly disappointed when Xena only stands there, looking at her as she slips in between the furs.

XENA

That’s all right, Gabrielle.  You

can keep your little secrets.

Feeling only slightly relieved, Gabrielle curls up on her side, her eyes drifting slowly closed.

XENA

(cont’d,  silky soft)

For now.

Gabrielle’s eyes pop back open and remain that way for most of the night.

CUT TO:

EXT. LAKE WITH WATERFALL - SUNRISE

Humming softly to herself, Xena bathes in the shimmering lake as the sun rises over her, turning the water to gold. She eases over to the gently falling water then rises up and ducks her head back, letting the spray of water flow over her.

XENA

Ahhhh.

CUT TO:

EXT. BUSHES AT SHORE OF LAKE - SUNRISE

A youngish man dressed in a garish blue and white uniform and sporting a bag of scrolls around one shoulder peeks through the bushes. He leers at the sight of a beautiful woman bathing in the lake.  His eyes get quite a bit wider, nearly popping out of his head when the woman moves to the waterfall and raises half out of the water to rinse her hair.

After a long moment he steps back, allowing the bushes to obscure his view again.  He treads with slow, exaggeratedly quiet steps around the shoreline in order to get a better vantage point.

Grin firmly set on his face, he parts the bushes again...

… to see a large fist headed directly for his peeping eye.

All goes black.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMP - SLIGHTLY AFTER SUNRISE

Gabrielle, stretched out on her belly, is disturbed from the embrace of a very nice dream by the feel of water dripping on the back of her head.

GABRIELLE

C’mon, Xena!  No fair!  I only

got to sleep an hour ago!

No response but the water that continues to drip on her head.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Xena!

Drip.  PLOP!  Drip.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Look Xena, if this is to pay me back

for that little incident last night,

you’re wasting your time.   A bard’s

gotta have some secrets, you know.

Drip. Drip. PLOP!

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Grrr.  Xena!

Prying her eyes open, bare feet very close to her head slowly sharpen into focus.  Her gaze trails slowly up lovely, long, wet, naked legs, stopping only at the knee because a pair of booted, swinging feet come suddenly into her view.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

GRAH!

Hopping quickly to her feet, she manages to keep her fur wrapped around her, preserving her modesty. 

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Who...?  What...?

The man before her, held helpfully off the ground by Xena’s fist to the back of his shirt, is quite wet and bearing a nicely blackening eye.  Grabbing a scroll from his dripping pouch, he thrusts it at her.

MAN

Are you Gabriellethebard?

GABRIELLE

I’m Gabrielle.

MAN

Scroll.

Gabrielle takes the scroll.

GABRIELLE

Thank you.

A wooden placard and drooping, dripping quill is handed to her.

MAN

Sign here.

Gabrielle signs her name and hands the items back to the delivery man.

The items are shoved back in his scroll bag, and his now empty hand is thrust before her again.  Gabrielle looks at it a moment, then brightens.

GABRIELLE

Oh! You want a tip.

The man nods, vigorously.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d, smirking)

Don’t ever disturb the Warrior Princess

when she’s having her morning bath.

The delivery man screams as he is unceremoniously tossed back in the general direction of his horse.

Xena and Gabrielle share wicked grins.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMP - LATER SAME MORNING

It is a rather leisurely morning.  Gabrielle is sitting on their furs reading the scroll. She casts frequent, furtive glances toward Xena, who appears to be focused on sharpening her “dull” sword.

GABRIELLE

Xena?

Xena lifts the sword and turns it this way and that, letting the light catch the blade and checking for nicks.

XENA

Mm?

GABRIELLE

I was wondering....

Rising to her feet, Xena plucks a hair from her head.  As it flutters down, she lashes out with her sword, cleaving it directly down the middle.  Two strands of identical length hair float down to the ground.  Nodding in appreciation, she sits back on the log she’s using and uses an oiled cloth to wipe down her weapon.

XENA

Yessss…?

GABRIELLE

Are we headed

anywhere specific?

XENA

Not particularly.

With a smooth, powerful inward jerk of her arms, Xena pops the breast dagger up from her cleavage, catches it by the blade and throws it, pinning a poisonous beetle inches from Gabrielle’s unknowing hand, all without looking up from her sword.

Gabrielle looks at the thrumming hilt and swallows.

XENA

(cont’d)

Why do you ask?

GABRIELLE

Oh…

She gives Xena an overly bright smile.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

No reason.

XENA

Mm.

Several moments pass in absolute silence.  Gabrielle looks down at the scroll in her lap, her expression pensive.  Letting out a heavy sigh, she strengthens her resolve.

GABRIELLE

Xena?

XENA

(drawling)

Yeessss?

GABRIELLE

If we’re not heading anywhere

specific…I was wondering if we

could maybe go to Poteidia?

Looking up from her weapons, Xena stares at Gabrielle, eyebrow raised.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

I know, I know, there’s not much

of it left after the warlords attacked,

but… last time I heard from Lila,

some families were looking to rebuild.

She pauses, thinking.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

And orphans!  Lots of them!

Xena’s eyebrow climbs so high that it’s lost beneath her bangs, but Gabrielle is on a roll.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

All those poor, homeless young girls…

having to grow up without ever

once knowing what it’s like to be a....

She looks around.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Horn…y... feather.

Had Gabrielle been looking at Xena just then, she would have seen her partner’s eyes narrow down to glittering slits.  She doesn’t look however, being too wrapped up in a story of her own devising.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

No one to teach them how to start a

fire or build a shelter.  No one to

teach them how to keep from

getting lost in the woods....

Gabrielle lifts a hand to her eyes as if wiping away tears ready to fall.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

…or the Hornyfeather wave….

A moment of solemn silence as Gabrielle slowly demonstrates said “wave”. 

GABRIELLE

(cont’d, whispering)

In…out…around…up.

In…out…around…up.

Xena’s eyes narrow even further.  Her thumb rubs slowly over the razor sharpness of her sword.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Or the chant.

Gabrielle clears her throat and tries to sing.  Xena winces.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

~Oh hail to thee, Chief Hornyfeather~

~Solemnly we swear~

~We will never....

XENA

(pained)

Gabrielle!

When Gabrielle finally meets Xena’s impenetrable gaze, her eyes are huge and pleading like a puppy’s.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Please?

After a moment, Xena sighs.  She well knows she’s being played and royally too, but hasn’t yet figured out Gabrielle’s angle.  She sighs again as Gabrielle adds a trembling lip to her arsenal and her eyes become even larger pools of beseeching green.  She can resist that look no more than she can resist breathing.

XENA

(tightly)

Fine.  You want to go to Poteidia?

We’ll go to Poteidia.

Flipping her sword over her shoulder and into its scabbard, she rises gracefully and turns away to gather her belongings.

Gabrielle pumps a fist in the air.

GABRIELLE

(whispering)

Yes!

Xena turns at the sound, only to find Gabrielle’s hand curled behind her shoulder.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d, innocently)

Itch.

With a roll of her eyes and a shake of her head, Xena stuffs her items into her saddlebag and walks over to Argo, leaving a grinning Gabrielle behind.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO