ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. HOT TUB - EARLY EVENING

After a hard day’s travel, Xena and Gabrielle have settled in for the evening, taking up lodging in a small village and are currently relaxing in the hot tub, side by side.

GABRIELLE

C’mon, Xena!  Give it

a try!  It’s fun!

Gabrielle demonstrates the “Hornyfeather wave”.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

In… out… around… up.

In… out… around… up.

With very exaggerated movements, Xena slides several feet away from her partner as if Gabrielle’s contracted something that just might be contagious.

Seeing this, Gabrielle splashes her palm on the water and sighs.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Fine.

(beat, muttering)

Don’t know why I even bother

anyway.  You’re never any fun.

Xena’s eyebrow pops up.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

C’mon… just once is all I ask.

Look at the graceful arm and

wrist movements.  If anything,

you might even learn a new

sword move out of it!

She waits a moment off Xena’s continued silence.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Just do what I do.  Ready?

(beat)

In.

(beat)

Out.

(beat)

Around.

(beat)

U—

On “up”, Xena vaults from the water, landing on the hot tub rim just as the door bursts open and yet another garishly costumed messenger, this one clad in bright orange, steps through the door. 

Upon seeing the Warrior Princess naked and with sheets of steaming water slipping down her body, the messenger’s eyes roll back in his head and he performs a perfect faint, landing flat on his back, scroll still gripped tightly in his hand and pointing at the thatched ceiling.

With her back still to Gabrielle, Xena plucks the scroll from the messenger’s clenched fist and looks at it, head cocked.  She purses her lips and holds the still closed scroll slightly in front of her.

XENA

In… out… around… up!

Tossed over Xena’s shoulder, the scroll lands neatly in Gabrielle’s hands.  With a hidden smirk, Xena squats down and lifts the unconscious messenger into her arms and strides from the hut.  Gabrielle looks on after her, eyes wide and unblinking.

CUT TO:

INT. HOT TUB - EARLY EVENING

Alone and still in the hot tub, Gabrielle sighs and breaks the seal to this newest scroll.  She reads it over quickly, then again more slowly, eyes narrowing in anger. 

GABRIELLE

Oh, for the love of....  Will

you people please make

up your minds?!

With a shake of her head and another deep sigh, Gabrielle tosses the scroll over the lip of the hot tub and slouches against the backrest.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d, miffed)

Blessed Aphrodite, help me.

A shower of pink sparkles and the goddess in question appears.

APHRODITE

You rang, sweet pea?

With a startled jump, Gabrielle plasters one arm across her chest and the other across her hips.

GABRIELLE

(angrily)

Aphrodite!  What are

you doing here?!

APHRODITE

Exqueeze me?  You

called me, remember?

GABRIELLE

I didn’t....  Just… turn around

and give me that towel!

Aphrodite rolls her eyes.

APHRODITE

Puh-lease.  I’m the Goddess of

Loooove, Gabby.  This isn’t exactly

the first time I’ve seen that

bodacious bod in the buff, ya know.

Gabrielle glares at her.  Tendrils of smoke begin to snake from her ears.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

Party pooper.

With a careless flick of her wrist, more pink sparkles erupt.  When Gabrielle looks down, she sees she’s now clad in an atrocious orange and pink flowered “Annette Funicello” two piece bathing suit.  Aphrodite is now sitting next to her in the water, clad in an identical outfit, complete with matching rubberized bathing cap with orange and pink plastic flowers sticking out of it.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

Whadda ya think?

Pretty classy, huh?

Gabrielle grits her teeth.

GABRIELLE

Oh yeah.  Classy.

APHRODITE

Thanks!

She scoots down until the water touches her chin, stretching out beneath the water and getting comfortable.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

So, how can the looooove goddess

help you today?  And where’s tall,

dark, and delicious anyway?

You two have a tiff?

GABRIELLE

Aphrodite....

APHRODITE

Aww, c’mon, sweet pea!  You

can tell me!  That’s what

friends are for, right?

Gabrielle hangs her head in frustration.  Then an idea glimmers and she raises it, smiling.

GABRIELLE

You know?  You just might

be able to help after all!

CUT TO:

INT. HOT TUB - SHORT TIME LATER

Still in the hot tub, Aphrodite sits back and laughs.

APHRODITE

Like, mondo fantabulous plan

there, Gabs!  I’m on it!

With a little shimmy and a snap of her fingers she disappears.

A beat of silence.

GABRIELLE

Aphrodite!

Aphrodite reappears.

APHRODITE

Yes, oh snappy sweet pea?

GABRIELLE

Aren’t you forgetting

a little something?

The love goddess stares blankly.  Gabrielle points at her ‘costume’.  Aphrodite fields the clue and grins.

APHRODITE

Sure you don’t wanna keep it?

It’s a ‘Dite original, ya know.

Gabrielle growls.

APHRODITE

All right, all right! Geez, somebody

woke up on the wrong side of

the love nest this morning!

GABRIELLE

Just… get rid of it, please?

Before Xena comes back?

APHRODITE

Your wish is my command, oh

bardly one.  Just don’t let leatherbabe

know I took your clothes off, k?

With a snap, the bathing suit disappears.  Aphrodite takes a long look and winks.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

Later!

She disappears for good this time.

Gabrielle sinks slowly under water.

CUT TO:

INT. INN BEDROOM - NIGHT

Propped up in bed, Gabrielle is scribbling away in a scroll.  She stops to watch Xena cross the room, and frowns when her partner begins taking some items from their shared saddlebag and stuffs them into her own.

GABRIELLE

Xena?

XENA

Mm?

GABRIELLE

What’re you doing?

Xena doesn’t look up as she continues to transfer some of her things from one bag to another.

XENA

Figured I’d head on over to Amphipolis

while you were busy doing your

hornywhatever thing with the Poteidian

orphans.  See how the tavern’s doing.

Check up on Lila and Sara.

Gabrielle pales.

GABRIELLE

No!  You can’t!

She hesitates at Xena’s stare.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

I mean you can, technically.  I

mean, who’s gonna stop

you, right?  Heh. Heh.

She clears her throat.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

What I mean is... I need you in

Poteidia. With me. Who’s

going to teach those poor

girls how to light a fire?

XENA

You’re an Amazon.

You teach ‘em.

GABRIELLE

But....

Gabrielle sighs.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

All right.  It’s like this.... I kind of…

promised the girls that they’d get to

meet you, okay?  And they’ll be so

disappointed if I show up alone.

(beat)

Please?  It’ll only be for a day or two,

I promise!  Then we can both go

to Amphipolis and we can

stay as long as you want!

Xena looks up at her.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Please?

Xena swears to herself that the eye thing isn’t going to work again, but after a few moments’ exposure to it, she can feel her will begin to crack into tiny little pieces.  Quite beyond her conscious motivation, her hands gradually slacken their grip on the saddlebag and she slumps down on the bed in a posture of defeat. 

Her eyes, however, are twinkling.

XENA

Fine.

(beat)

But for only two days.

GABRIELLE

(happily)

I promise!

XENA

And then we go to Amphipolis.

GABRIELLE

Right!  We won’t stop for anything!

XENA

And we stay as long as I

want. No complaining.

Gabrielle makes a locking gesture to her lips.

XENA

(cont’d)

Deal.

Gabrielle launches herself across the bed and smothers Xena in a tight and loving hug.

GABRIELLE

Thank you, Xena!  You won’t

regret it.  You’ll see.

XENA

(gruffly)

Yeah, yeah.  Let’s just get some

sleep.  We’ve got some horny

feathers to see tomorrow.

GABRIELLE

Hornyfeathers, Xena.  One word.

XENA

Whatever.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE