ACT THREE

FADE IN:

EXT. FOOTPATH - MORNING

Xena and Gabrielle are walking along a moderately shaded footpath.  They do not converse, but there is a sense of them genuinely enjoying one another’s company.  The tension from the night before is absent.

A sparkle of light and Aphrodite appears, her hair slightly mussed and her gown just a bit off center.  She looks a beat too long at Gabrielle, which immediately raises Xena’s hackles.

APHRODITE

Thank me I’ve found you!

Please, guys, you, like,

gotta come with me right now!

XENA

(suspiciously)

Why?

APHRODITE

I don’t have time to argue

with you, leatherbabe.

Just trust me, ok?

Before Xena can say a word otherwise, Aphrodite grabs her wrist and Gabrielle’s then vanishes, taking both women with her.

CUT TO:

EXT. TEMPLE OF APHRODITE - SOMEWHERE IN GREECE

Aphrodite, Xena, and Gabrielle materialize just outside of a large, garish temple.  It is a true monstrosity, done up in different shades of pink, with a large, pink marble statue of the Goddess herself standing just beside a pink fountain spouting pink water from the mouths of pink cherubs.

Xena curls her lip.

Gabrielle looks distinctly ill.

APHRODITE

Pretty cool, huh?

I designed it myself!

XENA

(sarcastically)

Do tell.

Silence descends upon the group.  Gabrielle turns her head to stare at Aphrodite, her eyes widening and narrowing in a sort of SOS for mimes.  Aphrodite stares back, unfazed.

GABRIELLE

Well?

APHRODITE

Well what, sweet pea?

Gabrielle grits her teeth.

GABRIELLE

The.  Emergency?

APHRODITE

(puzzled)

The emer....

If looks could kill, Gabrielle’s would have rendered Aphrodite as lifeless as the statue she stands beside.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

Ohhhh!  The emergency!

GABRIELLE

Riiiight.

APHRODITE

It’s right through here.

You guys gotta see this!

Aphrodite walks to the door and flings it open, gesturing to both of them.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

C’mon! You won’t believe it!

Xena and Gabrielle rush past her and into the temple.  Then they stop dead and stare. 

GABRIELLE

You’re right....  I don’t believe it.

If the outside of the temple was garish, the inside is a true monstrosity of pink; a Mary Kay nightmare come to Technicolor life.  It almost hurts the eyes to look at, and Gabrielle spares a second to wonder if what she’s seeing is really what she should be seeing.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Is it…supposed to look like this?

Aphrodite turns to look at her.

APHRODITE

Well, duh!  Of course it is, Gabs!

This is, like, my secret hideaway.

Totally fab, right?

Xena then turns to Aphrodite, her eyes narrow and glittering.

XENA

All right, Aphrodite, aside from letting

us know you regularly get your interior

decorators stoned on henbane so

they can create these monstrosities,

what was so important that you

had to bring us here?

Gabrielle looks at the Goddess as well, wondering the same thing… with just a bit of panic.

APHRODITE

Touchy, touchy! 

It’s over here.  Look!

Aphrodite leads them over to a garish standing mirror.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

See?

XENA

See what?  It’s a mirror.

APHRODITE

Like, duh, Xena.  It’s not just a

mirror.  It’s a special mirror.

Hephy made it for me before

you, like… you know....

She makes a slashing gesture across her throat.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

Anyway… watch!

She turns and speaks to the mirror.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

Mirror, mirror, standing tall, who’s like,

he most fabuloso Goddess of them all?

MIRROR

(in Aphrodite’s voice)

Well, duh!  Like, you are, you

bodacious, bitchin’ babe, you!

Xena rolls her eyes.  Gabrielle just stares.

APHRODITE

See?

XENA

(miffed)

See what?

Aphrodite stamps her foot.

APHRODITE

Gabby, you tell her!

Gabrielle’s smile reaches only as far as her lips.  Her eyes are hard as diamonds.

GABRIELLE

(sweetly)

Oh no, Aphrodite.  I couldn’t

possibly tell it as well as you.

XENA

Somebody better start telling me

something or this temple’s gonna start

looking even worse than it does now.

She mutters under her breath.

XENA

(cont’d)
If that’s even possible.

Aphrodite sighs.

APHRODITE

Can’t you see?  They broke it!

XENA

Broke what? Who broke...?

Jaw clenched, Xena closes her eyes and takes several deep, calming breaths.

For her part, Gabrielle is having a curiously satisfying mental fantasy of holding Aphrodite’s face under water and beating her senseless with her orange and pink flowered bathing cap.

Xena’s eyes finally open.  Outwardly, she appears calm, though Gabrielle can easily feel the roiling tension within.

XENA

(cont’d, deceptively soft)

Who broke the mirror, Aphrodite?

APHRODITE

Well, like, if I knew, I wouldn’t

need your help, would I?

She continues, noting Xena’s clenched fists.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

I don’t know, Xena!  Just some

scruffy smelly bandit dudes, I

guess.  And look!  They

even trashed my temple!

GABRIELLE

How can you even tell?

Aphrodite eyes her.  Gabrielle smirks.

XENA

(still deceptively soft)

Where?

APHRODITE
(pointing)

Over there!  Can’t you see it?

My poor, poor temple.

As Xena steps off in the direction of Aphrodite’s pointing finger, the Goddess slams her hip into the table standing beside the mirror.  A large pink vase tips back and forth, and, with another hard check to the table, falls to the floor with a resounding smash.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

And look!  They even destroyed

my favorite vase!  Those…

those… those… losers!

Xena spins toward Aphrodite, teeth bared in a feral snarl.

XENA

All right. That’s it.  I’m outta here.

C’mon, Gabrielle.  Maybe we can

make it to Poteidia before dark.

With that, she storms out of the temple.

Gabrielle rounds on Aphrodite, her expression remarkably similar to Xena’s.

GABRIELLE

This was your plan?!

APHRODITE

Hey!  It was the best I

could do on short notice!

GABRIELLE

Short notice?!  Aphrodite,

you had an entire day!

She hangs her head, beating at her thighs with her clenched fists.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Gods!  How could I have been so

stupid?!?  Xena’s warned me never

to ask for help from a god, but no, I

just had to do it.  Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Aphrodite’s face falls.

APHRODITE

Oh, I’m sorry, sweet pea!  I wanted

to help! I really did!  I… guess I just

kinda got caught up in other things.

Gabrielle sighs and reins in her temper.

GABRIELLE

Look. I appreciate that you wanted to

help, Aphrodite.  It’s just that....  Forget it.

Thank you for trying.  I mean that.

I’ll… see you around, ok?

As Gabrielle heads for the door, Aphrodite’s expression becomes determined.

APHRODITE

Gabby!  Gabby, wait!

Gabrielle stops, but doesn’t turn.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

Just… stay here a minute, ok?

Please?  I’ll be right back.

When Gabrielle finally does turn, the Goddess is gone.

CUT TO:

EXT. APHRODITE’S TEMPLE - MID-MORNING

Xena is pacing next to the fountain, waiting for Gabrielle to join her.  Instead, Aphrodite materializes, though without her usual fanfare and pink sparkles.

APHRODITE

Xena, I’m sorry, ok?

Xena looks at her, but remains silent.

APHRODITE

(cont’d)

Look, I know that was a mean trick I

pulled, but the truth is.... I’m lonely.

Yeah, yeah, I know, what a joke,

right?  The Goddess of Love lonely.

As if!  But it’s true.  And you and

Gabby are, like, my friends and I

kinda just wanted to, you know,

hang out with you guys awhile.

XENA

Why didn’t you ask?

APHRODITE

Come on, leatherbabe.  You’re, like,

the big WP!  You don’t do the

“hang out” thing, ya know?

XENA

So you tricked us.

APHRODITE

Bummer, right?   I’m really sorry.

Xena thinks about it, then finally nods.

XENA

Fine.  But you’d better ask Gabrielle

if she has time to hang out, since we’re

supposed to be in Poteidia tomorrow.

APHRODITE

Oh yeah!  I heard.  Teaching

those hornychicks, right?

Xena’s hackles go right back up.

XENA

How do you know about that?

Aphrodite giggles.

APHRODITE

Duh, Xena.  I’m a

goddess, remember?

XENA

Mm.

APHRODITE

Now listen, Xe.  If Gabby says yes, well,

I know you’ll be, like, bored out of that

beautiful skull of yours with our girl talk,

so….  There’s a stream right around the

corner absolutely packed with those

squirmy slimy sea creatures you warrior

types love to catch, so have at it, k?

Me and the Gabster will get

you when we’re done.

XENA

Oh.  Joy.

Laughing, Aphrodite disappears.  After a moment, Xena gives a slight shrug of her shoulders and heads around the corner to whatever fate awaits her.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR